dwindling sex-drive puts pressure on a relationship

A dwindling sex-drive puts pressure on a relationship So much for man being an anytime, any place, anywhere creature - more and more relationships are now under strain because he's the one feigning a headache, while the wife is starved of sex. How did it come to this, asks Anna Moore Cath Bentley still remembers the first sign that her husband had lost his sex drive. She remembers where they were, when it was and how she felt - though at the time Cath had no idea it was anything more than temporary, no inkling it would lead to their separation.
'We were in Spain, staying with my parents, and I was three months pregnant,' says Cath, 35, a full-time mother of three. 'It was hot, we were relaxed, but when I initiated sex I could tell Jim wasn't interested. It was like he wasn't enjoying it, like he was making an effort. At first I thought it was because my parents were there - but it hadn't bothered him before.'When Cath asked what was wrong Jim said he was uncomfortable making love while Cath was pregnant. 'I felt a jolt, a bit rejected, but I reasoned he was being extra-paternal, extra-protective.'
Sex stopped completely for the rest of the pregnancy. 'I didn't mind because I got quite ill and tired,' says Cath, 'but it was a change. We'd been married 12 years, and in all that time our sex life had been very active, one of the most important parts of our relationship. 'We'd lived quite a hedonistic lifestyle and, though the pregnancy was planned, we pretty much went from sex, drugs and rock'n'roll to a life that revolved around twin babies and nothing else.' When Cath and the boys came home from hospital Jim moved into the guest room, as new fathers often do, to get enough sleep for work.'After about two months I went into his room one night and he basically said no,' recalls Cath. From that point on Jim worked hard in a stressful sales job and was a dutiful dad, taking the boys out every Sunday to give Cath a break and getting home each evening at 7pm to take over. 'But he never came near me, or made any signs that he wanted sex,' says Cath. 'And when I tried to talk about it he wouldn't.'Loss of libido isn't a problem we associate with men. According to stereotype, if men have a sexual problem, it's that they can't get enough, while women are the ones who invent headaches and feign sleep. In fact, this isn't true. A sex-therapy study by Relate found that, for half of the couples who attended counselling, the problem involved the man - most commonly lack of desire or erectile dysfunction.Nina Bryant, a Relate psychosexual therapist with 18 years' experience, has found it increasingly common. 'When I started in this field it was rare for a man to report a lack of interest in sex,' she says. 'Now, it makes about a third of my case-load.'There could be many reasons for this. Perhaps we are better at talking about it - the caring, sharing New Man feels more comfortable coming forward. But there is also a feeling among professionals that we are expecting more of ourselves, and men, like women, are feeling the pressure.
'We want a lot from men these days,' says the sex and relationship psychologist Petra Boynton. 'They're meant to be not only breadwinners, but also doting, hands-on dads who deliver mind-blowing orgasms. 'Men are expected to want sex from puberty to death but, in reality, a man's sex drive can fluctuate for all the reasons a woman's can. It could be that he's stressed, unhappy, tired or under pressure at work.'
Gina Ogden, a clinical sex therapist with 25 years' experience and the author of Women Who Love Sex, agrees. 'We call it men's "sex drive" as if they're cars with a certain number of pistons thrusting them forward at all times. Actually, it's about desire, expectation and emotion, and naturally that can ebb, flow and sometimes plummet.'