“… We talk to God—that is prayer; God talks to us—that is inspiration.
We go apart to get still, that new life, new inspiration, new power of thought, new supply …
may flow in; and then we come forth to shed it on those around us, that they, too, may be lifted up.”
Friday, 30 October 2009
Top Ten Practices of Enlightened Partners
1. Write down the purpose and desired results for your partnership.
A partnership without a stated purpose and intended results is like a ship setting sail without a chart or plotted course. The purpose should be stated in a way that lifts the spirit of all partners.
2. Make choices grounded in love rather than fear.
Become aware of your automatic reactions that are based in fear and look for the love choice instead. Ask yourself, what would love do or say in this situation?
3. Mutually agree upon strategies for dealing with predictable breakdowns, such as miscommunications, upsets or disagreements and use them when needed.
Have these strategies in place *before* the inevitable breakdowns occur. It is difficult, if not impossible, to create and implement them in the middle of a breakdown.
4. Commit to win/win outcomes; don't settle for anyone being the loser.
For the partnership to win, all partners need to win. If anyone in the partnership loses, the entire partnership loses. Keep asking questions that lead you to the win/win outcome.
5. Communicate honestly from the heart and practice high performance listening.
People respond positively to the expression of heart-felt truth because it builds trust. High performance listening is listening without judgment for the concerns of the other person that may be hidden behind their words.
6. Assume personal responsibility for your emotional reality and refrain from blame.
Blame and projection will pollute the emotional climate of a partnership faster than anything.
7. Take the initiative for the satisfaction of your own needs and wants and make clear requests of others that inspire their cooperation.
Don't wait for people to guess what will make you happy. Nobody likes to endure demands or covert manipulation.
8. Share power rather than struggle for it.
Let go of the need to be right all the time. Value others ideas and perceptions as being as valid as your own. Heal your unresolved power issues from the past.
9. See problems as opportunities.
Every problem contains the gift of spiritual development within it. Learn to unwrap the package.
10. Nurture a conscious relationship with your Soul.
The more spiritually attuned you are, the more enlightened you and your partnerships will be.
A partnership without a stated purpose and intended results is like a ship setting sail without a chart or plotted course. The purpose should be stated in a way that lifts the spirit of all partners.
2. Make choices grounded in love rather than fear.
Become aware of your automatic reactions that are based in fear and look for the love choice instead. Ask yourself, what would love do or say in this situation?
3. Mutually agree upon strategies for dealing with predictable breakdowns, such as miscommunications, upsets or disagreements and use them when needed.
Have these strategies in place *before* the inevitable breakdowns occur. It is difficult, if not impossible, to create and implement them in the middle of a breakdown.
4. Commit to win/win outcomes; don't settle for anyone being the loser.
For the partnership to win, all partners need to win. If anyone in the partnership loses, the entire partnership loses. Keep asking questions that lead you to the win/win outcome.
5. Communicate honestly from the heart and practice high performance listening.
People respond positively to the expression of heart-felt truth because it builds trust. High performance listening is listening without judgment for the concerns of the other person that may be hidden behind their words.
6. Assume personal responsibility for your emotional reality and refrain from blame.
Blame and projection will pollute the emotional climate of a partnership faster than anything.
7. Take the initiative for the satisfaction of your own needs and wants and make clear requests of others that inspire their cooperation.
Don't wait for people to guess what will make you happy. Nobody likes to endure demands or covert manipulation.
8. Share power rather than struggle for it.
Let go of the need to be right all the time. Value others ideas and perceptions as being as valid as your own. Heal your unresolved power issues from the past.
9. See problems as opportunities.
Every problem contains the gift of spiritual development within it. Learn to unwrap the package.
10. Nurture a conscious relationship with your Soul.
The more spiritually attuned you are, the more enlightened you and your partnerships will be.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
“Cuando te encuentras con alguien, recuerda que se trata de un encuentro santo. Tal como lo consideres a él, así te considerarás a ti mismo. Tal como lo trates, así te tratarás a ti mismo. Tal como pienses de él, así pensarás de ti mismo. Nunca te olvides de esto, pues en tus semejantes o bien te encuentras a ti mismo o bien te pierdes a ti mismo. Cada vez que dos Hijos de Dios se encuentran, se les proporciona una nueva oportunidad para salvarse. No dejes de darle la salvación a nadie, para que así la puedas recibir tú. Yo estoy siempre contigo, en memoria tuya.” UCDM T-8.III.4:1-5
Tejamos redes de cariño, de apoyo, de aceptación. Emitamos rayos de luz hacia todos los seres. Nos veremos todos inundados de dicha y bendiciones.
Tejamos redes de cariño, de apoyo, de aceptación. Emitamos rayos de luz hacia todos los seres. Nos veremos todos inundados de dicha y bendiciones.
Bill Wilson and the Ouija Board,Bill W. Had Warts, Just Like the Rest of Us
Ever since becoming enamored with A.A. in the early 90s (especially after really getting into AA circa 2001), I have thought of Bill W. as quite an interesting fellow.
Unfortunately, some AAs tend to put certain people on pedestals
— and this almost certainly applies more to Bill W. than anyone else as far as recovery personalities go. All of us are merely human, and I suppose this post serves as a reminder of just that.Knowing about what might be considered to be weaknesses of others — particularly those who tend to be glorified — can make the person seem more real, even closer to us. None of the comments in this post are meant to be disparaging; to me, they are not. These supposed facts can be found in the books of some of the most significant Bill W. biographers, most notably Susan Cheever.I find Ouija boards to be pretty darn interesting, honestly, though I have seen too many horror movies to run out and buy one myself! And LSD? Well, I don’t think I’ll be going into much — or any — detail about possible acid experiences I may or may not have had in a previous era, but suffice to say that I agree with Bill on some aspects of the trippy hallucinogen. I believe most, if not all, of us can agree on the following: Thank God LSD did not become a standard treatment for alcoholism and addiction! You probably won’t hear too much about this in AA meetings, but Bill Wilson, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, often used a Ouija board to contact spirits. His wife Lois said that Bill would get messages directly from the spirit world without even using the Ouija board. For a while, his participation in AA was deeply affected by his involvement with the “witchboard.” Wilson claimed that he received the twelve step method directly from a spirit without the board and wrote it down. (Source: My Name Is Bill: Bill Wilson–His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Susan Cheever)Personally, Wilson had a lifelong attraction towards mysticism and junk religion. He was drawn — by its ritualism, not its theology — to Catholicism, and seriously contemplated converting. Later in life, Bill W. flirted with Gerald Heard’s and Aldous Huxley’s West Coast Vedanta and took LSD with the two trippy gurus. Bill was consistently a spiritualist, going through life with AA’s Big Book in one hand and a Ouija board in the other. In the basement, Bill W. had a “Spook Room” where he would communicate with the dead. (Source: My Name Is Bill: Bill Wilson–His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Susan Cheever)
Bill W. Had Warts, Just Like the Rest of Us
Cheever’s portrait of Wilson is generally reverent, although she parts company with those who, as she says, see him as a man “chosen by God to carry a message.” In the second half of her book, Cheever goes further and pastes a donkey tail or two on the minor “god” Bill Wilson. Despite his victory over alcohol, Wilson retained his addictive personality and compulsive traits. He chain-smoked himself to death, for one thing. Reportedly, even on his deathbed, Bill W. puffed away as he slowly suffocated. Although he supposedly drank no alcohol for the last thirty-seven years of his life, he always craved it. Those who were around Bill in his last moments know that as he lay dying, he repeatedly requested whiskey; but this request was steadfastly denied by his minions. (Source: My Name Is Bill: Bill Wilson–His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Susan Cheever)
Bill W. and LSD
Bill loved LSD. He urged everyone he knew to try it, including Lois, his secretary, Nell Wing, his friend Dr. Jack Norris, the Reverend Sam Shoemaker, and even Father Ed Dowling! He even thought his own mother might benefit. (Source: My Name Is Bill; Bill Wilson — His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Susan Cheever, page 241.)Also see Francis Hartigan, Bill W.: A Biography of Alcoholics Anonymous Cofounder Bill Wilson, pages 176 to 179:
When Bill took LSD, use of the drug was legal. He first took it as a participant in medically supervised experiments with Gerald Heard and Aldous Huxley in California in the 1950s. Lois also participated in the first LSD experiments in California. At Bill’s insistent urging, she took LSD herself but always claimed later not to have felt anything. Bill insisted that she did too feel something and that she in fact had a very pleasant time. Nell Wing, who took LSD herself during one of these sessions and was there when Lois tried it, tends to believe Lois. She explains LSD’s lack of impact on Lois by noting that she took much less than the others had. Father Ed Dowling was among the people who accepted Bill’s invitation to join him in these early experiments. Bill also invited Jack Norris, medical director for Eastman Kodak and long-serving nonalcoholic chair of AA’s General Service Board, but Norris declined.
It is hard to appreciate today the enthusiasm with which LSD experimentation was initially greeted. Aldous Huxley wrote Father Thomas Merton that LSD might even be the SOMA he had written about in his futuristic novel, Brave New World, and that it was deserving of the most serious and thorough scientific research. Sam Shoemaker wrote to Bill about the wholehearted endorsement of LSD experimentation by an Episcopal bishop, and Wilson wrote to Carl Jung, praising the results obtained with LSD and recommending it as a validation of Jung’s spiritual work. (Word was received of Jung’s death, and the letter was never sent.)Wilson is thought to have continued experimenting with LSD well into the 1960s. Lib S., a longtime AA member who lived in New York for many years, told me that she participated in LSD experiments with Bill in the late 1950s in New York. Marty Mann, Helen Wynn, and others participated in the New York experiments, which were supervised by a psychiatrist from Roosevelt Hospital. Lib S. said that the alcoholic participants in the New York researches were all sober. The purpose was to determine whether the drug might produce insights that would serve to remove psychic blocks that were preventing people from feeling more spiritually alive. Each participant had to agree to undergo extensive debriefing, and all were urged to make detailed notes about what they were experiencing.
Bill agreed with Huxley’s assessment of LSD’s power to open the “doors of perception.” He described his first experiences of the substance’s effect as being akin to what he had experienced in Towns Hospital the night his obsession with alcohol was lifted. Nell Wing told me that her own LSD experiences were something that she had always valued. Although Nell denies that Bill ever went this far, other people who knew him during this period said that his initial enthusiasm for LSD was so great that he thought it should be available to all alcoholics. (Source: Bill W.: A Biography of Alcoholics Anonymous Cofounder Bill Wilson, by Francis Hartigan, pages 178 to 179.)
References: Bill Wilson and the Ouija Board
Unfortunately, some AAs tend to put certain people on pedestals
— and this almost certainly applies more to Bill W. than anyone else as far as recovery personalities go. All of us are merely human, and I suppose this post serves as a reminder of just that.Knowing about what might be considered to be weaknesses of others — particularly those who tend to be glorified — can make the person seem more real, even closer to us. None of the comments in this post are meant to be disparaging; to me, they are not. These supposed facts can be found in the books of some of the most significant Bill W. biographers, most notably Susan Cheever.I find Ouija boards to be pretty darn interesting, honestly, though I have seen too many horror movies to run out and buy one myself! And LSD? Well, I don’t think I’ll be going into much — or any — detail about possible acid experiences I may or may not have had in a previous era, but suffice to say that I agree with Bill on some aspects of the trippy hallucinogen. I believe most, if not all, of us can agree on the following: Thank God LSD did not become a standard treatment for alcoholism and addiction! You probably won’t hear too much about this in AA meetings, but Bill Wilson, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, often used a Ouija board to contact spirits. His wife Lois said that Bill would get messages directly from the spirit world without even using the Ouija board. For a while, his participation in AA was deeply affected by his involvement with the “witchboard.” Wilson claimed that he received the twelve step method directly from a spirit without the board and wrote it down. (Source: My Name Is Bill: Bill Wilson–His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Susan Cheever)Personally, Wilson had a lifelong attraction towards mysticism and junk religion. He was drawn — by its ritualism, not its theology — to Catholicism, and seriously contemplated converting. Later in life, Bill W. flirted with Gerald Heard’s and Aldous Huxley’s West Coast Vedanta and took LSD with the two trippy gurus. Bill was consistently a spiritualist, going through life with AA’s Big Book in one hand and a Ouija board in the other. In the basement, Bill W. had a “Spook Room” where he would communicate with the dead. (Source: My Name Is Bill: Bill Wilson–His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Susan Cheever)
Bill W. Had Warts, Just Like the Rest of Us
Cheever’s portrait of Wilson is generally reverent, although she parts company with those who, as she says, see him as a man “chosen by God to carry a message.” In the second half of her book, Cheever goes further and pastes a donkey tail or two on the minor “god” Bill Wilson. Despite his victory over alcohol, Wilson retained his addictive personality and compulsive traits. He chain-smoked himself to death, for one thing. Reportedly, even on his deathbed, Bill W. puffed away as he slowly suffocated. Although he supposedly drank no alcohol for the last thirty-seven years of his life, he always craved it. Those who were around Bill in his last moments know that as he lay dying, he repeatedly requested whiskey; but this request was steadfastly denied by his minions. (Source: My Name Is Bill: Bill Wilson–His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Susan Cheever)
Bill W. and LSD
Bill loved LSD. He urged everyone he knew to try it, including Lois, his secretary, Nell Wing, his friend Dr. Jack Norris, the Reverend Sam Shoemaker, and even Father Ed Dowling! He even thought his own mother might benefit. (Source: My Name Is Bill; Bill Wilson — His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Susan Cheever, page 241.)Also see Francis Hartigan, Bill W.: A Biography of Alcoholics Anonymous Cofounder Bill Wilson, pages 176 to 179:
When Bill took LSD, use of the drug was legal. He first took it as a participant in medically supervised experiments with Gerald Heard and Aldous Huxley in California in the 1950s. Lois also participated in the first LSD experiments in California. At Bill’s insistent urging, she took LSD herself but always claimed later not to have felt anything. Bill insisted that she did too feel something and that she in fact had a very pleasant time. Nell Wing, who took LSD herself during one of these sessions and was there when Lois tried it, tends to believe Lois. She explains LSD’s lack of impact on Lois by noting that she took much less than the others had. Father Ed Dowling was among the people who accepted Bill’s invitation to join him in these early experiments. Bill also invited Jack Norris, medical director for Eastman Kodak and long-serving nonalcoholic chair of AA’s General Service Board, but Norris declined.
It is hard to appreciate today the enthusiasm with which LSD experimentation was initially greeted. Aldous Huxley wrote Father Thomas Merton that LSD might even be the SOMA he had written about in his futuristic novel, Brave New World, and that it was deserving of the most serious and thorough scientific research. Sam Shoemaker wrote to Bill about the wholehearted endorsement of LSD experimentation by an Episcopal bishop, and Wilson wrote to Carl Jung, praising the results obtained with LSD and recommending it as a validation of Jung’s spiritual work. (Word was received of Jung’s death, and the letter was never sent.)Wilson is thought to have continued experimenting with LSD well into the 1960s. Lib S., a longtime AA member who lived in New York for many years, told me that she participated in LSD experiments with Bill in the late 1950s in New York. Marty Mann, Helen Wynn, and others participated in the New York experiments, which were supervised by a psychiatrist from Roosevelt Hospital. Lib S. said that the alcoholic participants in the New York researches were all sober. The purpose was to determine whether the drug might produce insights that would serve to remove psychic blocks that were preventing people from feeling more spiritually alive. Each participant had to agree to undergo extensive debriefing, and all were urged to make detailed notes about what they were experiencing.
Bill agreed with Huxley’s assessment of LSD’s power to open the “doors of perception.” He described his first experiences of the substance’s effect as being akin to what he had experienced in Towns Hospital the night his obsession with alcohol was lifted. Nell Wing told me that her own LSD experiences were something that she had always valued. Although Nell denies that Bill ever went this far, other people who knew him during this period said that his initial enthusiasm for LSD was so great that he thought it should be available to all alcoholics. (Source: Bill W.: A Biography of Alcoholics Anonymous Cofounder Bill Wilson, by Francis Hartigan, pages 178 to 179.)
References: Bill Wilson and the Ouija Board
larger than life figure, Wilson almost singlehandedly changed the prognosis for those suffering from alcoholism. But he was certainly no saint
Offering a fascinating look at Bill Wilson, one of Time Magazine's 100 List of The Most Important People of the 20th Century, My Name is Bill is a must read for anyone attempting to understand the broader context of Alcoholics Anonymous. Susan Cheever does a marvelous job of capturing the essence of what made this man a pioneer in treating alcoholism and, long after his death, other forms of addiction.
A larger than life figure, Wilson almost singlehandedly changed the prognosis for those suffering from alcoholism. But he was certainly no saint, and Cheever's portrayal is nicely balanced. We learn a great deal about what drove this uncommon individual and even a bit about some of his other struggles.
Cheever writes, "Bill Wilson never held himself up as a model: he only hoped to help other people by sharing his own experience, strength and hope. He insisted again and again that he was just an ordinary man."
Wilson was anything but an "ordinary man."His elegantly simple prescription for battling one's way back from booze-abetted disaster reflects pure genius. Although Bill was a reluctant model of a recovering alcoholic, his presence still looms large over the many thousands of AA groups that now meet across the globe. It is difficult to imagine many enduring contributions to mankind that exceed that of Bill Wilson's. Truly an epic 20th century figure.Kudos to Susan Cheever for a well-researched, well-written biography.
A larger than life figure, Wilson almost singlehandedly changed the prognosis for those suffering from alcoholism. But he was certainly no saint, and Cheever's portrayal is nicely balanced. We learn a great deal about what drove this uncommon individual and even a bit about some of his other struggles.
Wilson's 'Twelve Steps' approach is comparable to Dr. Albert Ellis's Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a vehicle for assisting those struggling with personal demons find relief. Many (including this reader) believe Wilson's early recognition that this age-old problem requires a spiritual solution was divinely inspired. Bill's insights into the disease of alcoholism based on his own experience stirred in him an uncanny prescience. He predicted that many alcoholics would find deliverance from their debilitating condition if they could only follow a few simple steps. Included among those, and perhaps most crucial, is finding the wherewithal to get through the next 24 hours without a drink.Truly remarkable is how the man known simply as Bill W. transformed what can only be described as a life in precipitous decline - intractable alcoholism, unemployment, financial ruin, and a disintegrating marriage - into a beacon of hope for countless human beings. Ironically, while he struggled with his own implacable inner demons, most notably chronic depression, millions of alcoholics were clawing their way back from the brink of self-destruction. And those are just the ones who were alive during his lifetime!
Cheever writes, "Bill Wilson never held himself up as a model: he only hoped to help other people by sharing his own experience, strength and hope. He insisted again and again that he was just an ordinary man."
Wilson was anything but an "ordinary man."His elegantly simple prescription for battling one's way back from booze-abetted disaster reflects pure genius. Although Bill was a reluctant model of a recovering alcoholic, his presence still looms large over the many thousands of AA groups that now meet across the globe. It is difficult to imagine many enduring contributions to mankind that exceed that of Bill Wilson's. Truly an epic 20th century figure.Kudos to Susan Cheever for a well-researched, well-written biography.
This book should be required reading for anyone who suffers from alcoholism or who seeks a path to spiritual growth.
''Clearly my job henceforth was to Let Go and Let God. Alcoholics Anonymous was safe - even from me.''
Bill's Wilsons Yankee temperament, lanky body, great gifts as a storyteller and childhood setbacks. A novelist and a journalist, she writes clearly; however, even more important are the insights and empathy so credibly her own as a reformed drinker who attended meetings of A.A. with her father, the novelist John Cheever. As she remarked in ''Note Found in a Bottle,'' his drinking ''wasn't hidden, it was completely visible. Because it was completely visible, the drinking was a secret that we kept from ourselves.''What she has related about her own religious sensibility coincides with what she has written about Wilson's. Belief in God became important to both of them, ''but it is intensely private and truly beyond my ability to describe. I don't understand God; I just believe in God.'' When Wilson handed over the leadership of A.A. at the St. Louis national convention in 1955, having provided the program with an enduring structure, he proclaimed: ''Clearly my job henceforth was to Let Go and Let God. Alcoholics Anonymous was safe - even from me.''
Bill W., A Biography of Alcoholics Anonymous Co-Founder Bill Wilson, Francis Hartigan, 2000, page 192.
The impression that he was a ladies' man seems to have come from the way he sometimes behaved at AA gatherings. When Bill wasn't accompanied by Lois (or later, Helen), he could often be observed engaged in animated conversation with an attractive young newcomer. His interest in younger women seemed to grow more intense with age. Barry Leach, who knew Bill nearly thirty years, told me that in the 1960s he and other friends of Bill's formed what they came to refer to as the "Founder's Watch" committee. People were delegated to keep track of Bill during the socializing that usually accompanies AA functions. When they observed a certain gleam in his eye, they would tactfully steer Bill off in one direction and the dewy-eyed newcomer in another.
Bill took both women to an AA meeting. He sat between them and, all during the meeting, he had a hand on one leg of each of the women.
As the AA office staff expanded in the 1940s, Bill seemed to take an active part in its recruitment efforts. One longtime AA member told me that at first she didn't know why in 1946 Bill hired her and another young woman AA member. "Neither of us could type or take dictation," she told me. Then, one night soon after they were hired, Bill took both women to an AA meeting. He sat between them and, all during the meeting, he had a hand on one leg of each of the women.
There was also a young woman Bill had begun an affair with whom he subsequently hired for the AA office. She worked at the office from about 1948-1950. She seems to have been very much like Bill's mother, a strong-willed, stubborn woman who was very insistent about having her way. Because everyone knew she was Bill's mistress, she expected to get it. Apparently, she did not appreciate the extent to which AA is a democracy. Bill's recommendation might have gotten her the job, but her behavior became so disruptive that in 1950 the AA trustees told Bill that she could no longer work there.
While Bill often seemed to feel free to take advantage of whatever opportunities were available to him as AA's head man, a number of people who were close to him told me that there were times when he was painfully aware of the threat his philandering posed to everything he had worked for. Barry Leach, a longtime AA member who was a close friend of Bill's for more than twenty-five years, Jack Norris, and Nell Wing all said that Bill had let them know how badly he felt about his unfaithfulness to Lois. That he nevertheless was seemingly unable to control himself filled him with despair and self-loathing at times and left him feeling unworthy to lead AA.
There was also a young woman Bill had begun an affair with whom he subsequently hired for the AA office. She worked at the office from about 1948-1950. She seems to have been very much like Bill's mother, a strong-willed, stubborn woman who was very insistent about having her way. Because everyone knew she was Bill's mistress, she expected to get it. Apparently, she did not appreciate the extent to which AA is a democracy. Bill's recommendation might have gotten her the job, but her behavior became so disruptive that in 1950 the AA trustees told Bill that she could no longer work there.
While Bill often seemed to feel free to take advantage of whatever opportunities were available to him as AA's head man, a number of people who were close to him told me that there were times when he was painfully aware of the threat his philandering posed to everything he had worked for. Barry Leach, a longtime AA member who was a close friend of Bill's for more than twenty-five years, Jack Norris, and Nell Wing all said that Bill had let them know how badly he felt about his unfaithfulness to Lois. That he nevertheless was seemingly unable to control himself filled him with despair and self-loathing at times and left him feeling unworthy to lead AA.
One for the list buiders on the Costa,They had found God (as they understood Him), and as long as they stayed away from booze and aspirin, they were okay; they were in the clear. They weren't ashamed of sex; they gloried in it.
Full disclosure: I grew up with a stepmom, Wynn, who had been fully prepared to marry Bill. He disengaged himself but put her "story" in the second edition of "Alcoholics Anonymous," in which the accounts of recovering alcoholics were included for the first time. She married my dad, her fifth husband, as a sort of consolation prize. Wynn was a wonderful woman, but I saw AA then from the point of view of a prissy, still-sober teenager, watching members bicker about whether taking an aspirin for a headache constituted a "slip," listening to stories of their friendships with a Personal God — "I told God to have you call me today," my stepmother would say after I moved out of the house. (And what could I possibly say? Maybe she had, and maybe He did.) But they didn't worry much about sex. ...
So I want to say for the record (and you won't find it on "Grapevine," or any other AA publication) that early AA, at least on the West Coast, was full of raucous men and women bursting with the physical energy that drying out brings. I speak now for Wynn (the Wynn I knew), who wrote "Freedom From Bondage" in the Book, and who, though she had five husbands, considered the high point of her life her amorous connection to Bill.
Wynn stood on our front steps one bright Christmas morning enthusiastically kissing a different handsome AA swain as others crowded past them, pushing inside to a party, where they would drink tomato juice and laugh like banshees, delirious with joy. They had found God (as they understood Him), and as long as they stayed away from booze and aspirin, they were okay; they were in the clear. They weren't ashamed of sex; they gloried in it.
So I want to say for the record (and you won't find it on "Grapevine," or any other AA publication) that early AA, at least on the West Coast, was full of raucous men and women bursting with the physical energy that drying out brings. I speak now for Wynn (the Wynn I knew), who wrote "Freedom From Bondage" in the Book, and who, though she had five husbands, considered the high point of her life her amorous connection to Bill.
Wynn stood on our front steps one bright Christmas morning enthusiastically kissing a different handsome AA swain as others crowded past them, pushing inside to a party, where they would drink tomato juice and laugh like banshees, delirious with joy. They had found God (as they understood Him), and as long as they stayed away from booze and aspirin, they were okay; they were in the clear. They weren't ashamed of sex; they gloried in it.
Monday, 26 October 2009
amazed at the energy that comes out of you
"Give your dreams all you've got and you'll be amazed at the energy that comes out of you."
- William James 1842-1910, American Philosopher helped Bill W in the writing of the Big Book
- William James 1842-1910, American Philosopher helped Bill W in the writing of the Big Book
Saturday, 24 October 2009
“To finish the moment, to find the journey’s end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, 23 October 2009
Sophie had been welcomed into meeting
We were meeting in the long sitting-room, and the floor-space was as usual filled by the children. The room was pretty full. Then Sophie's father came and put her in her carry-cot on the floor. She was very young, and we hadn't expected to be greeting her so soon. I looked around the adults, wondering which of us would minister.
At the other end of the room Cathy, aged three, slipped down from her mother's knee. Slowly, carefully, and mostly upright she clambered in and out, past all the other children. She reached the carry-cot and peeped in at the baby. Then she turned and gave everyone a smile of pure delight. Still smiling, without a word, she returned to her mother.
Nobody else spoke either. Sophie had been welcomed into meeting.
William Fraser, 1989
At the other end of the room Cathy, aged three, slipped down from her mother's knee. Slowly, carefully, and mostly upright she clambered in and out, past all the other children. She reached the carry-cot and peeped in at the baby. Then she turned and gave everyone a smile of pure delight. Still smiling, without a word, she returned to her mother.
Nobody else spoke either. Sophie had been welcomed into meeting.
William Fraser, 1989
Thursday, 22 October 2009
Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness; and bearing one with another, and forgiving one another, and not laying accusations one against another; but praying one for another, and helping one another up with a tender hand.
Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness; and bearing one with another, and forgiving one another, and not laying accusations one against another; but praying one for another, and helping one another up with a tender hand.
Isaac Penington, 1667
.' And when I heard it my heart did leap for joy."
And when all my hopes in men were gone, so that I had nothing outwardly to help me, nor could I tell what to do, then, oh! Then I heard a voice which said, 'There is One, even Christ Jesus that can speak to thy condition.' And when I heard it my heart did leap for joy."
from The Journal of George Fox 1647
from The Journal of George Fox 1647
All the modern religions that have examined the 12 steps have come to the conclusion that the steps do not conflict with their beliefs.
Those who work with alcoholics and addicts have a distinct advantage over colleagues in other professions. The 12 steps offer a template that can be recommended to patients and used personally. There is evidence that working a 12-step program is not participating in a religion:
All the modern religions that have examined the 12 steps have come to the conclusion that the steps do not conflict with their beliefs. AA. has spread around the world and is working well in many non-Christian countries. Joining AA does not require learning any theology, creed, or catechism. Atheists are welcome and do well in the program. Atheists and agnostics are advised to use the group as their higher power because most in the A.A. group are sober. In over 60 years, not one documented or reported fight or act of violence based on arguments over spirituality has occurred between AA members (Chappel, 2003). This is going to be easy for many of you, but difficult for others. You don’t have to believe in God yourself to encourage the patient to seek God. You can still encourage patients to work a program of recovery that has kept millions of alcoholics sober. If you will look at the 12 steps of AA, the word “alcohol” is used one time, the word “God” or “higher power” is used seven times. Recovery is seen as a spiritual journey and without God recovery is more difficult. Some patients will want to use the AA group as their higher power. This is fine and there are many agnostics in the program that do not believe in God at all. Chapter 4 of Alcoholics Anonymous (2001) is the chapter to the agnostics. Here are a few quotes from that chapter:
All the modern religions that have examined the 12 steps have come to the conclusion that the steps do not conflict with their beliefs. AA. has spread around the world and is working well in many non-Christian countries. Joining AA does not require learning any theology, creed, or catechism. Atheists are welcome and do well in the program. Atheists and agnostics are advised to use the group as their higher power because most in the A.A. group are sober. In over 60 years, not one documented or reported fight or act of violence based on arguments over spirituality has occurred between AA members (Chappel, 2003). This is going to be easy for many of you, but difficult for others. You don’t have to believe in God yourself to encourage the patient to seek God. You can still encourage patients to work a program of recovery that has kept millions of alcoholics sober. If you will look at the 12 steps of AA, the word “alcohol” is used one time, the word “God” or “higher power” is used seven times. Recovery is seen as a spiritual journey and without God recovery is more difficult. Some patients will want to use the AA group as their higher power. This is fine and there are many agnostics in the program that do not believe in God at all. Chapter 4 of Alcoholics Anonymous (2001) is the chapter to the agnostics. Here are a few quotes from that chapter:
We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God (Alcoholics Anonymous, 1976, p. 46). We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe, or am I willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself? As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built (Alcoholics Anonymous, 1976, p. 47).As the professional, you must be willing to accept how other people experience religion and spirituality. Be as open-minded and willing as the patient is to search for a higher power. Alcoholics Anonymous calls it the God of the person’s own understanding. This is a personal matter between God and the patient. You will see a wide variety of individual spiritual and religious beliefs. In an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance, patients can freely explore their own belief system. They must see that a higher power is not going to be shoved down their throats. Conscious contact with God is a principle of recovery. It is a mistake to allow formal religious doctrine to enter into your treatment unless the patient has the same religious beliefs as you do. Alcoholics Anonymous has no religious affiliation. People can talk about their religious preferences but, for the most part, they should discuss spirituality rather than religion. They need to talk about their own spiritual journey.Start by taking a spiritual history, where you discuss patients’ relationships with God. When were they introduced to spiritual and religious concepts? What is his or her belief system now? How does the patient currently understand God? How does God communicate with them? Was there ever a time when they felt particularly close to God? The patient needs to process how God communicates with them. The relationship with God needs to be presented as a relationship between two people. Patients can be taught to contact God in a variety of ways. God can speak in nature, scripture, prayer, meditation, church, and through other people. Each of these ways needs to be discussed, and you should have patients give examples of times when they felt close to or far away from God.
To improve conscious contact with God, Alcoholics Anonymous suggests Step Eleven. “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2001, p. 59 ). Prayer and meditation are defined and discussed with the patient. Prayer is talking to God and meditation is listening for God to talk back. Patients are encouraged to pray and meditate. The best way to show patients God is to have them walk into the presence of God. It is best to do this in a group but you can do it individually as well. Have patients close their eyes and mentally ask God a question, “God, what is the next step in my relationship with you?” Then tell the patients to wait for one word or phrase to come into their mind. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred a word or phrase will enter the patients’ thoughts. It will be something like, “Believe, trust me, love, honesty, stay sober, get help, keep going, faith, or hope.” It will be some simple word or phrase like that. Then ask the patients if the word or phrase was accompanied with a feeling. They will say yes. Then you say, “That’s a complicated set of feelings so, let me describe them for you and you tell me if this was a part of what you experienced.”
“Was it a feeling of peace?”
“Was it a feeling of love?”
“Was it a feeling that there is a God?”
“Was it a feeling that God loves you?”
“Was it a feeling that you are worthy?”
“Was it a feeling that God will help you?”
“Was it a feeling that God has a plan for you?”
“Was it a feeling that God will tell you the plan?”
Most or all of these questions will be answered yes by the patient. Then you say, “These feelings are what AA calls serenity and this is why you were drinking. Drinking made you feel more at peace, but now you know another way to feel a better peace.” Alcoholics need to replace the normal feeling they got from alcohol with something else that works better or they will be back to drinking.
Spirituality is the innermost relationship we have with ourselves and all else.
Spirituality is the innermost relationship we have with ourselves and all else. Everyone has some form of spirituality. Religion is an organized system of faith and worship. Many patients see a higher power as punitive. They see a higher power through the window of their father or mother. These transferences, attitudes, and beliefs are all part of treatment. The goal of Alcoholics Anonymous’ first step is to have patients accept that they are powerless over alcohol. The second step is to come to believe that a power greater than themselves can restore them to sanity. All addiction treatment is faith-based treatment. In step three, we turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him. The word “God” is first used in the third step and some patients don’t like it. Your job is to encourage them to seek the God of their own understanding. Many people who do not believe in God recover. Alcoholics Anonymous encourages members to seek a higher power of their own understanding.
Alcoholics Anonymous says that alcoholism is a spiritual problem with a spiritual solution. Alcohol has always said to the patient, “Good choice!” It has done this with such power and force that the patient has become addicted to this feeling. Now you need to help the patient find something that feels better than alcohol. You need some experience that more powerfully says, “Good choice.” There is nothing that can do this more powerfully than God. I guarantee you that if the patient walks into the presence of God; they will feel so much better they will follow that feeling anywhere. God’s presence is better than any experience you can imagine. Addicts need something better than alcohol to deal with stress. They need to find greater peace, greater love, and greater power or they will go back to alcohol. There are those of you who know this already and there are those of you who are suspicious of spiritual beliefs. I would encourage you to take a look around you. There is a national trend to seek God. Most national magazines and television shows talk about God. After the tragedy of 9-11, people were praying on every television channel. All across America there is a new growth in spirituality (Gallup & Jones, 2000). Even science is becoming interested in religion and spirituality because studies consistently show that patients who use religion and spirituality get better quicker and live longer. In the 1990s, the research on religion and spiritually began to mature. Research studies were launched within the National Institutes of Health, including the National Institute on Aging, the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, and the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine. Special issues and sections focusing on research on spirituality and health have appeared in scientific journals, including the American Journal of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation (Underwood-Gordon, Peters, Bijur, & Fuhrer, 1997), the Annals of Behavioral Medicine (Mills, 2002), the Journal of Contemporary Criminal Justice (Lucken, 2000), the Journal of Health Psychology (Thoresen & Harris, 1999), the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (“Spirituality and Family Therapy,” 2000), Psycho-Oncology (Russak, Lederberg, & Fitchett, 1999), Twin Research (Kirk & Martin, 1999), and American Psychologist (Miller & Thoresen, 2003).
SPIRITUAL AWAKENING
In his room alone, feeling totally powerless, he looked up toward heaven, and he cried out, "If there is a God, show me, give me some sign." At that moment Bill's room filled with a great white light. He felt incredibly filled with new hope and joy. "It was like standing on a mountain top with a strong clear wind blowing through me--but it was not a wind of the air," he said, "it was a wind of the Spirit." Bill felt like he had stepped into another world full of goodness and grace. There was a wonderful feeling of Presence that he had been seeking all of his life. He never felt so complete, so satisfied, so loved. Bill Wilson had finally surrendered, and when he surrendered, God came into his life. Notice that God came into his life with such power and force that Bill never denied God again.
Bill never took another drink, but his spiritual awakening didn't fully resolve his problem. He still had a craving for alcohol. One day he passed a bar and he felt himself being pulled into it. He thought that if he could just talk to another drunk, he might be able to pull himself back together. He got on the phone, and after making a few calls, finally found one, Dr. Bob Smith. Dr. Bob was a hopeless alcoholic. He had destroyed his medical practice and he was waiting to die. He reluctantly agreed to see Bill, but he had no hope that Bill could help him. Dr. Bob would have no nonsense, he had talked about his alcohol problem with the best, and now here was some other guy, a drunk, who was coming over to try and help him. He was in no mood for help.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Monday, 19 October 2009
Friday, 16 October 2009
When entering the world of online dating, it’s sad but true: A little paranoia goes a long way
Rule #1: Don’t give out your address “My number-one rule is: Do NOT let someone you just met – online or otherwise – pick you up at your home. You do not want a stranger – and yes, no matter how many times you’ve emailed, talked on the phone and viewed his profile, he’s still a stranger – to know where you live!” says Ginger Ema, author of Back on Top: Fearless Dating After Divorce (Globe Pequot Press, May 2009).
Rule #2: Meet on your turf
So, where should this first date take place? Meet somewhere convenient for you, in a public place, hopefully where you know some of the wait staff or bartenders. “I probably took forty-five first dates to the same little café a few miles from my home, in a busy retail area. They knew me there – heck, I think they had a betting pool in the back about which guy I would end up with. But I felt safe!” Ginger says.
Rule #3: Drive yourself
The safety doesn’t end there. When going on this first date, be sure that you take your own car and you tell a friend where you are going and the name of the person you are meeting (hopefully it is his actual name), and you have an exit strategy. This can be something like telling your date ahead of time that you’ve got a meeting or have to pick up the kids. “When you meet a guy out, you can leave at any time. This is incredibly important when there are 20 million guys online, and you’re not doing an Intelius.com report on each one. If something feels awkward, off, or it’s simply not a match, you say thank you and get in your car and go home,” Ginger says.
Rule #4: Keep personal info personal
Another important safety tip before even getting to that first date is to create an anonymous email account for one that does not include your first name or last name and that doesn’t have your birth date as part of the username. You don’t want to give out all that information to people you are just meeting, it’s how they can stalk you!
Rule #5: Block your number
It’s also a good idea to learn to block your number when you are calling someone from your cell phone. You may not want a new guy to have your cell phone number yet – maybe never!
Rule #6: Don’t bring a new date home
Ginger also suggests never bring a new date to your home to meet your children. In fact, experts recommend that your kids not meet anyone you are dating until it is a serious, exclusive relationship – long enough for you to feel very comfortable about who this man is, and to know that this is something long-term.
Your kids have already had disruption to their lives, no matter how amicable a divorce is. And children can be funny – they may tell us they want us to date; they may tell us they want us to go out, but they are affected by anything that rocks their world. Your kids just don’t need to be in on your dating stories, or who your ex is dating, either. On the other hand, once you are serious with someone, slowly introduce him to your child(ren). “Nothing surprised me more than having a relationship that integrated with the rest of my life. I seriously thought I would only date every Wednesday and every other weekend – when my son was with his dad. And that’s how it went for years – I didn’t date on ‘my son’s time,’” Ginger says. “But once I was in a long-term relationship that I knew was going to last, I introduced him to my son. I never imagined a holistic post-divorce relationship where my son likes my boyfriend, my boyfriend likes my son (this is saying a lot – he is, after all, a teenager). My ex likes my boyfriend and vice versa – I am the Demi Moore of my neighborhood!”
“While not everyone who dates online loves it, it is still the best place to meet more men per minute. I mean, I’ve been viewed 48,000 times on one site! Where else would I have a pool of 48,000 interested men? “
Rule #2: Meet on your turf
So, where should this first date take place? Meet somewhere convenient for you, in a public place, hopefully where you know some of the wait staff or bartenders. “I probably took forty-five first dates to the same little café a few miles from my home, in a busy retail area. They knew me there – heck, I think they had a betting pool in the back about which guy I would end up with. But I felt safe!” Ginger says.
Rule #3: Drive yourself
The safety doesn’t end there. When going on this first date, be sure that you take your own car and you tell a friend where you are going and the name of the person you are meeting (hopefully it is his actual name), and you have an exit strategy. This can be something like telling your date ahead of time that you’ve got a meeting or have to pick up the kids. “When you meet a guy out, you can leave at any time. This is incredibly important when there are 20 million guys online, and you’re not doing an Intelius.com report on each one. If something feels awkward, off, or it’s simply not a match, you say thank you and get in your car and go home,” Ginger says.
Rule #4: Keep personal info personal
Another important safety tip before even getting to that first date is to create an anonymous email account for one that does not include your first name or last name and that doesn’t have your birth date as part of the username. You don’t want to give out all that information to people you are just meeting, it’s how they can stalk you!
Rule #5: Block your number
It’s also a good idea to learn to block your number when you are calling someone from your cell phone. You may not want a new guy to have your cell phone number yet – maybe never!
Rule #6: Don’t bring a new date home
Ginger also suggests never bring a new date to your home to meet your children. In fact, experts recommend that your kids not meet anyone you are dating until it is a serious, exclusive relationship – long enough for you to feel very comfortable about who this man is, and to know that this is something long-term.
Your kids have already had disruption to their lives, no matter how amicable a divorce is. And children can be funny – they may tell us they want us to date; they may tell us they want us to go out, but they are affected by anything that rocks their world. Your kids just don’t need to be in on your dating stories, or who your ex is dating, either. On the other hand, once you are serious with someone, slowly introduce him to your child(ren). “Nothing surprised me more than having a relationship that integrated with the rest of my life. I seriously thought I would only date every Wednesday and every other weekend – when my son was with his dad. And that’s how it went for years – I didn’t date on ‘my son’s time,’” Ginger says. “But once I was in a long-term relationship that I knew was going to last, I introduced him to my son. I never imagined a holistic post-divorce relationship where my son likes my boyfriend, my boyfriend likes my son (this is saying a lot – he is, after all, a teenager). My ex likes my boyfriend and vice versa – I am the Demi Moore of my neighborhood!”
“While not everyone who dates online loves it, it is still the best place to meet more men per minute. I mean, I’ve been viewed 48,000 times on one site! Where else would I have a pool of 48,000 interested men? “
“Women’s intuition” is not just an urban myth so if your gut is telling you that your man is lying then he most likely is.
1. “Good liars will often have a quick and smooth response and use tactics that will redirect attention back to you or incite some kind of emotional response in you that can divert attention away from them and the lie,” said Manhattan-based clinical psychologist, J.Cilona. “Most other people might fumble a bit or show embarrassment. This is sign that they are not so sophisticated a liar and perhaps just made a bad choice.”
2. Dr. Eddy Kloprogge of FreudTV says you can detect lies by the way a person is smiling. “Forced smiles are easy to spot since they involved the muscles around the mouth,” said Kloprogge. “In a real smile, more facial muscles besides the mouth are involved. A dead giveaway is tightening around the eyes, which sometimes causes crows’ feet.”
3. Dr. Eddy also believes the behavior of other body parts can be a dead giveaway on whether or not a person is telling the truth. If their arms, legs, or hands are stiff and self-directed then they’re most likely lying. “The hands may touch or scratch their face, nose or behind an ear, but are not likely to touch their chest or heart with an open hand.”
4. “Be aware that sometimes men lie because their lady forces them to,” said Daylle Deanna Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First. “If you’re overly possessive or jealous or have rules he doesn’t agree with, he may lie to avoid an unpleasant situation.”
5. Be a pseudo detective and check out his story – not by stalking him but by taking time to think through what he tells you. “Many liars are big at making up stories and they believe in being very dramatic. In the end, though, their stories just don’t add up,” said Coy Long, CEO oh Hotlanta Matchmakers.
6. Long also warns that a person who is lying will often times rapidly change the topic of conversation to try and throw the other person off. “They also get really defensive and their tone of voice is inconsistent with their body movements.”
7. Dr. J. Cilona tells people to be very aware of the other person’s answers and body language. “Many people pick up on subtleties without being totally aware of them and new research even shows that we can actually smell fear in the perspiration of others. These kinds of cues are often out of our awareness and get labeled as a feeling or intuition. Consider this to be one of the most important reasons for concern.”
8. Language and word usage can be a telltale sign for liars, according to Kloprogge, who tells clients to be conscious of the other person’s word choice. If they’re repeating your own exact words when answering a question or avoiding direct statements and answers they’re probably not being honest.
9. Answers drenched in humor or sarcasm is an indication that they’re trying to avoid a subject – a big no, no.
10. Silence truly is golden. Kloprogge advises to allow total quiet into the conversation as it will give you a chance to observe their reaction. A person who is lying will most likely become very uncomfortable and restless when there is a pause in conversation.
Dissociation Anonymous and mirroring Symptoms of Codependency:
Perfectionism
Controlling Behavior
Obsessive Caretaking
Depression
Illnesses due to Stress
Not Wanting to Deal with Feelings Imagine, if you will, a condition that affects every part of your being, particularly affecting you mentally and emotionally. Imagine, you are being controlled by someone you love very much, who may be addicted to drugs or alcohol or may be suffering through another type of illness. Imagine you are depressed because you feel trapped, yet you feel obligated to be there and endure more than you should because you feel that person needs you in order to survive. Imagine you are one half of a codependent relationship that feels like an endless cycle, and the more you run, you're not going anywhere, you're just growing tired of it all.
This is codependency. Codependency as defined by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition such as an addiction. The truth of the matter is that codependency is an addiction itself. One person is addicted to controlling others because he or she feels they have no control over their own lives. Meanwhile, the other person in the relationship is addicted to being controlled and fulfilling the needs of the controller. Both parties tend to excessively 'take care' of each other and others outside of the relationship as well.
"Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise."
Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes
It is indeed, but first you have to let down your defences:
ACIM, Lesson 135:
Your present trust in Him is the defense that promises a future undisturbed, without a trace of sorrow, and with joy that constantly increases, as this life becomes a holy instant, set in time, but heeding only immortality. Let no defenses but your present trust direct the future, and this life becomes a meaningful encounter with the truth that only your defenses would conceal.
Without defenses, you become a light which Heaven gratefully acknowledges to be its own. And it will lead you on in ways appointed for your happiness according to the ancient plan, begun when time was born. Your followers will join their light with yours, and it will be increased until the world is lighted up with joy. And gladly will our brothers lay aside their cumbersome defenses, which availed them nothing and could only terrify.
Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes
It is indeed, but first you have to let down your defences:
ACIM, Lesson 135:
Your present trust in Him is the defense that promises a future undisturbed, without a trace of sorrow, and with joy that constantly increases, as this life becomes a holy instant, set in time, but heeding only immortality. Let no defenses but your present trust direct the future, and this life becomes a meaningful encounter with the truth that only your defenses would conceal.
Without defenses, you become a light which Heaven gratefully acknowledges to be its own. And it will lead you on in ways appointed for your happiness according to the ancient plan, begun when time was born. Your followers will join their light with yours, and it will be increased until the world is lighted up with joy. And gladly will our brothers lay aside their cumbersome defenses, which availed them nothing and could only terrify.
Ix Chel : Mayan Goddess of the moon
As an ancient fertility goddess, Ix-Chel was responsible for sending rain to nourish the crops. When fulfilling that function she was called “Lady of the Rainbow”. She helped insure fertility by overturning her sacred womb jar so that the waters would flow.Though sometimes depicted as a goddess of catastrophe (the woman who stands by as the world floods), many of her myths show her in a more benevolent light—as a goddess who refused to become a victim of oppression. This was a woman who, when faced with adversity, took charge of her life and turned it around. Ix-Chel encourages us to acknowledge the negative forces affecting our lives. And she prompts us to assert ourselves fully in the face of physical or emotional violence that would diminish our sense of self.
As an ancient fertility goddess, Ix-Chel was responsible for sending rain to nourish the crops. When fulfilling that function she was called “Lady of the Rainbow”. She helped insure fertility by overturning her sacred womb jar so that the waters would flow.Though sometimes depicted as a goddess of catastrophe (the woman who stands by as the world floods), many of her myths show her in a more benevolent light—as a goddess who refused to become a victim of oppression. This was a woman who, when faced with adversity, took charge of her life and turned it around. Ix-Chel encourages us to acknowledge the negative forces affecting our lives. And she prompts us to assert ourselves fully in the face of physical or emotional violence that would diminish our sense of self.
Dream Warrior greets Lady of the Rainbow
Dream Warriors greets Lady of the Rainbow, to all our readers and contributors an introduction to the female side of the site Lady of the Rainbow.Who is our Spanish guide to a course in miracles.
Being a psychologist, she feared for her own sanity. She began talking with Bill about everything that was happening to her.
In 1965, Helen Schucman, a 56-year-old woman, was working as a Professor of Medical Psychology at Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center in New York City. Helen had been hired seven years before, in 1958, by William Thetford, who was known as Bill. In 1965, Bill, Helen's boss and colleague, was 42. (Bill and Helen are pictured at left.)
Their department was filled with competition and hostility between coworkers, and the same situation existed in relation to a similar department at Cornell, where Helen and Bill were consultants. The staff meetings were usually scenes of strife and competition among the workers—despite the fact that all of them were psychologists. In particular, there was a good deal of tension between Helen and Bill.
One day they met at Bill's apartment on their way to a meeting at Cornell. Both of them were dreading the meeting. In a way not typical of him, Bill made an impassioned, preplanned speech to Helen, in which he declared, "There must be another way"—meaning, another way of dealing with their meetings, their relationships, and their lives. He declared that he was determined not to get angry in the meeting and not to attack people. Rather than focusing on mistakes and pointing out errors, he was going to look for the constructive side in what people said, and cooperate rather than compete.
Incidentally, according to the most authoritative version of the story, Bill said, "There must be another way," and not "There must be a better way." The phrase "a better way," however, does appear in the Text, and this phrase was chosen as the name of the newsletter for the Circle of Atonement.
Much to Bill's surprise, Helen piped up to say that he was absolutely right, and she would join him in trying this new approach and in finding another way to deal with people. That event was the birthplace of the Course. It contained the seeds of the entire approach of A Course in Miracles. It was a moment, in a relationship, when two people joined in a common purpose, which is a key to what the Course calls a "holy relationship." It was a "miracle," a "holy instant," a moment of laying aside our usual way of thinking and opening to "a better way." Whether they realized it or not, it was a turning point from fear and attack to love, and thus allowed the Holy Spirit into their minds.
Although that was the birth of the Course, the Course itself did not begin to appear right then. For three months, Helen experienced a series of dreams and psychic experiences which were leading up to the writing of the Course. Twice she had visions of a large book and was told, or was aware, that this was somehow "her" book. She began having mental conversations with a voice she identified as Jesus. She would ask questions of Jesus about her life, and Bill's, and write down the answers, even though the whole process was disturbing to her. The dreams and visions terrified her; being a psychologist, she feared for her own sanity. She began talking with Bill about everything that was happening to her.
The Writing of the Course - 1965-1972
Finally, one day (October 21, 1965), Helen's "voice" said, "This is a course in miracles. Please take notes." She wrote down about a page of notes before she realized that this was not going to be something short; the voice was asking for a long-term commitment.
In a panic, she called Bill to ask his advice. Bill encouraged Helen to do what the voice asked, and take the notes. He told Helen he would meet with her the next morning before work, read over the notes, and discuss them with her. When they did that, what he read so impressed him that he encouraged Helen to keep taking the notes. They recognized that the notes, which became the Course, was their answer, the "another way" they had agreed to find together. And that is how it all began. For the next seven years, with some breaks, they met together nearly every morning. Helen would read the notes from her shorthand notebooks, Bill typed them up, and they would discuss them.
These were both respected psychologists. Neither one of them dared to talk with anyone else about what they were doing; they were afraid they would be thought unstable and might lose their jobs. Eventually they shared the material with a few close friends—first a Catholic priest who worked with them, then with Kenneth Wapnick, and then with Jon Mundy. The latter two are both well-known teachers of the Course today. Helen and Bill studied the notes themselves and then put them into black notebooks on the shelf. Even though it became clear from the material itself that it was meant to be shared, Helen and Bill thought it likely that it would not be published until after their deaths.
As time went by, the relationships in Helen's and Bill's department improved dramatically as they applied what they were learning. Unfortunately, after the Course was completed, the relationship between Helen and Bill actually got worse. Eventually Bill moved to the West Coast, and their relationship appears never to have been completely healed. To me this does not invalidate the Course. It only shows that Helen and Bill were students of the Course, like we are, not the authors.
Helen definitely did not consider herself the author. In fact, quite frequently she was very disturbed by what she wrote, or even disagreed with it. To her it was evident that the real author was Jesus, although part of her mind was so disturbed by Jesus that she rarely talked about him by name, and for a long time referred to him simply as "the Voice" with a capital V. When she asked the Voice, "Why me? I'm not even religious," the answer she got was, "You are an excellent choice, and for a very simple reason. You will do it."
The way the Course was taken down was similar to, but not identical with, what is called "channeling" in New Age circles. Kenneth Wapnick, who has written a biography of Helen titled Absence From Felicity, describes the process of taking down the Course as "scribing," not writing. He says:
The scribing was referred to by Helen as "internal dictation"; that is, she did not go into an altered state, a trance,or engage in automatic writing. She was always aware of what she was doing, even if she chose not to pay attention to it. Regardless of her attitude, the writing would continue. (Absence from Felicity, p. 201)
Helen said it was more like taking dictation than automatic writing; it required her conscious cooperation. Sometimes she tried to resist, once staying away from writing for over a month, but the pressure to take notes was always there. Resisting just made her feel depressed. Sometimes she would go to bed without writing and find herself unable to sleep until she got up and did it.
Editing and Publishing - 1972-1976
The dictation ended in September 1972. The books were put on the shelf. Helen and Bill felt their work was done; someone else would publish the Course. Shortly after, on November 25, 1972, Kenneth Wapnick entered their lives. He was a deeply spiritual man who had been raised as a Jew and then converted to Catholicism because he was attracted by the life of Trappist monks. Although he had no particular attraction to Catholic doctrine, the church, or Jesus, he felt strongly guided to become a monk, so he converted. He was planning a visit to Israel before entering the monastery when he met Helen and Bill. He felt an immediate affinity with them, and was intrigued when they told him about their book. But Ken did not read it at the time, and had no room in his luggage to take a copy, which would have been several loose-leaf notebooks.
Ken thought about the book several times, feeling drawn to it. He even had two symbolic dreams about a very holy book he was going to find. When he returned from Israel after five months, in May of 1973, he intended to stay only a short time visiting his family before entering the monastery, but he also wanted to visit Helen and Bill, and look at their book. He says he could not wait to see it. As soon as he read it, or very soon after, he realized the Course was the book he had dreamed about, and was to become his life's work. He went back to Israel to tie up loose ends in July; Bill and Helen had become such close friends in two and a half months that in August, they visited Ken in Israel.
After Ken returned to the States, Helen, Bill, and Ken spent the next two years editing the Course in preparation for publication. (For a detailed discussion of the editing process, see Robert Perry's article on this website, entitled The Earlier Versions and the Editing of A Course in Miracles.) The editing was finished early in 1975. There it sat for a few more months, awaiting publication. Helen, Ken, and Bill did not have any idea how it could be published.
In May of 1975, Bill heard Judith Skutch give a lecture on parapsychology. He felt an inner connection with her and a need to meet her. That same night, Judy went home feeling herself to be at the lowest point of her life. She found herself crying out, "Won't someone up there please help me!" A few days later, her answer came. First, a psychic told her she was about to publish "one of the most important spiritual documents known to humanity." Then, a friend of Judy's invited her to meet Bill and Helen for lunch. They all felt an immediate rapport. Helen and Bill told her the story of the Course and handed her a manuscript copy. As she read it, she wept for joy; she know this was the answer to her prayer, and this was the map for her journey home.
Judy had numerous contacts in the world of parapsychology, and began circulating Xeroxed copies of the manuscript among them. The cat was out of the bag, so to speak. Later on, several hundred photo-reduced copies were printed, but these were snatched up almost as soon as they were printed. The appeal of the Course was far wider and greater than either Helen or Bill had believed possible.
Clearly, the Course needed to be published in book form. Several publishers actually expressed interest during this time, but no one was willing to publish the Course without changes; they wanted to edit it and abbreviate it. After seeking guidance about the situation, Helen, Bill, Ken, and Judy concluded that 1) the Course was to be published unabridged, 2) by people who were devoted to this alone, 3) by a nonprofit organization, and 4) with all four of them involved. They realized that the guidance pointed to them publishing the Course, so they committed to doing just that. Judy changed the name of her organization, the Foundation for Parasensory Investigation, to the Foundation for Inner Peace. The money for publication was provided miraculously, through an unsolicited gift, and five thousand sets (Text, Workbook, and Manual for Teachers) were printed. In June 1976, the Course was finally published by the Foundation for Inner Peace.
Helen Shucman died in 1981 at age 71. Bill Thetford followed her in 1988. Once the Course was in Judy's hands for publication, both Helen and Bill felt their part was done. Messages from Jesus received by Helen seemed to indicate that both had an important future function beyond the scribing of the Course. But neither really stepped into that function, and both remained relatively uninvolved with the dissemination of the Course. Bill attended study groups in California and gave talks telling his story, but refused to take on any teaching role. Helen actually began to depreciate the importance of what she had done. As Ken Wapnick observes in Absence from Felicity:
Helen and Bill's joining together was essential for this future function, as it was for the scribing of A Course in Miracles, yet these two remarkably faithful and dedicated people chose otherwise. They thus remained estranged from each other until the end, and so what might have been, remained only within the realm of possibility and not actuality. (Absence from Felicity, p. 381)
Even so, what they did manage to do together was remarkable. From the simple decision of two people to join in finding a better way to relate to their fellow human beings, A Course in Miracles was born. Through their work, millions of lives have been touched. All of us who have found that better way through walking the path of the Course can only thank Helen and Bill for their priceless gift to the world.
Their department was filled with competition and hostility between coworkers, and the same situation existed in relation to a similar department at Cornell, where Helen and Bill were consultants. The staff meetings were usually scenes of strife and competition among the workers—despite the fact that all of them were psychologists. In particular, there was a good deal of tension between Helen and Bill.
One day they met at Bill's apartment on their way to a meeting at Cornell. Both of them were dreading the meeting. In a way not typical of him, Bill made an impassioned, preplanned speech to Helen, in which he declared, "There must be another way"—meaning, another way of dealing with their meetings, their relationships, and their lives. He declared that he was determined not to get angry in the meeting and not to attack people. Rather than focusing on mistakes and pointing out errors, he was going to look for the constructive side in what people said, and cooperate rather than compete.
Incidentally, according to the most authoritative version of the story, Bill said, "There must be another way," and not "There must be a better way." The phrase "a better way," however, does appear in the Text, and this phrase was chosen as the name of the newsletter for the Circle of Atonement.
Much to Bill's surprise, Helen piped up to say that he was absolutely right, and she would join him in trying this new approach and in finding another way to deal with people. That event was the birthplace of the Course. It contained the seeds of the entire approach of A Course in Miracles. It was a moment, in a relationship, when two people joined in a common purpose, which is a key to what the Course calls a "holy relationship." It was a "miracle," a "holy instant," a moment of laying aside our usual way of thinking and opening to "a better way." Whether they realized it or not, it was a turning point from fear and attack to love, and thus allowed the Holy Spirit into their minds.
Although that was the birth of the Course, the Course itself did not begin to appear right then. For three months, Helen experienced a series of dreams and psychic experiences which were leading up to the writing of the Course. Twice she had visions of a large book and was told, or was aware, that this was somehow "her" book. She began having mental conversations with a voice she identified as Jesus. She would ask questions of Jesus about her life, and Bill's, and write down the answers, even though the whole process was disturbing to her. The dreams and visions terrified her; being a psychologist, she feared for her own sanity. She began talking with Bill about everything that was happening to her.
The Writing of the Course - 1965-1972
Finally, one day (October 21, 1965), Helen's "voice" said, "This is a course in miracles. Please take notes." She wrote down about a page of notes before she realized that this was not going to be something short; the voice was asking for a long-term commitment.
In a panic, she called Bill to ask his advice. Bill encouraged Helen to do what the voice asked, and take the notes. He told Helen he would meet with her the next morning before work, read over the notes, and discuss them with her. When they did that, what he read so impressed him that he encouraged Helen to keep taking the notes. They recognized that the notes, which became the Course, was their answer, the "another way" they had agreed to find together. And that is how it all began. For the next seven years, with some breaks, they met together nearly every morning. Helen would read the notes from her shorthand notebooks, Bill typed them up, and they would discuss them.
These were both respected psychologists. Neither one of them dared to talk with anyone else about what they were doing; they were afraid they would be thought unstable and might lose their jobs. Eventually they shared the material with a few close friends—first a Catholic priest who worked with them, then with Kenneth Wapnick, and then with Jon Mundy. The latter two are both well-known teachers of the Course today. Helen and Bill studied the notes themselves and then put them into black notebooks on the shelf. Even though it became clear from the material itself that it was meant to be shared, Helen and Bill thought it likely that it would not be published until after their deaths.
As time went by, the relationships in Helen's and Bill's department improved dramatically as they applied what they were learning. Unfortunately, after the Course was completed, the relationship between Helen and Bill actually got worse. Eventually Bill moved to the West Coast, and their relationship appears never to have been completely healed. To me this does not invalidate the Course. It only shows that Helen and Bill were students of the Course, like we are, not the authors.
Helen definitely did not consider herself the author. In fact, quite frequently she was very disturbed by what she wrote, or even disagreed with it. To her it was evident that the real author was Jesus, although part of her mind was so disturbed by Jesus that she rarely talked about him by name, and for a long time referred to him simply as "the Voice" with a capital V. When she asked the Voice, "Why me? I'm not even religious," the answer she got was, "You are an excellent choice, and for a very simple reason. You will do it."
The way the Course was taken down was similar to, but not identical with, what is called "channeling" in New Age circles. Kenneth Wapnick, who has written a biography of Helen titled Absence From Felicity, describes the process of taking down the Course as "scribing," not writing. He says:
The scribing was referred to by Helen as "internal dictation"; that is, she did not go into an altered state, a trance,or engage in automatic writing. She was always aware of what she was doing, even if she chose not to pay attention to it. Regardless of her attitude, the writing would continue. (Absence from Felicity, p. 201)
Helen said it was more like taking dictation than automatic writing; it required her conscious cooperation. Sometimes she tried to resist, once staying away from writing for over a month, but the pressure to take notes was always there. Resisting just made her feel depressed. Sometimes she would go to bed without writing and find herself unable to sleep until she got up and did it.
Editing and Publishing - 1972-1976
The dictation ended in September 1972. The books were put on the shelf. Helen and Bill felt their work was done; someone else would publish the Course. Shortly after, on November 25, 1972, Kenneth Wapnick entered their lives. He was a deeply spiritual man who had been raised as a Jew and then converted to Catholicism because he was attracted by the life of Trappist monks. Although he had no particular attraction to Catholic doctrine, the church, or Jesus, he felt strongly guided to become a monk, so he converted. He was planning a visit to Israel before entering the monastery when he met Helen and Bill. He felt an immediate affinity with them, and was intrigued when they told him about their book. But Ken did not read it at the time, and had no room in his luggage to take a copy, which would have been several loose-leaf notebooks.
Ken thought about the book several times, feeling drawn to it. He even had two symbolic dreams about a very holy book he was going to find. When he returned from Israel after five months, in May of 1973, he intended to stay only a short time visiting his family before entering the monastery, but he also wanted to visit Helen and Bill, and look at their book. He says he could not wait to see it. As soon as he read it, or very soon after, he realized the Course was the book he had dreamed about, and was to become his life's work. He went back to Israel to tie up loose ends in July; Bill and Helen had become such close friends in two and a half months that in August, they visited Ken in Israel.
After Ken returned to the States, Helen, Bill, and Ken spent the next two years editing the Course in preparation for publication. (For a detailed discussion of the editing process, see Robert Perry's article on this website, entitled The Earlier Versions and the Editing of A Course in Miracles.) The editing was finished early in 1975. There it sat for a few more months, awaiting publication. Helen, Ken, and Bill did not have any idea how it could be published.
In May of 1975, Bill heard Judith Skutch give a lecture on parapsychology. He felt an inner connection with her and a need to meet her. That same night, Judy went home feeling herself to be at the lowest point of her life. She found herself crying out, "Won't someone up there please help me!" A few days later, her answer came. First, a psychic told her she was about to publish "one of the most important spiritual documents known to humanity." Then, a friend of Judy's invited her to meet Bill and Helen for lunch. They all felt an immediate rapport. Helen and Bill told her the story of the Course and handed her a manuscript copy. As she read it, she wept for joy; she know this was the answer to her prayer, and this was the map for her journey home.
Judy had numerous contacts in the world of parapsychology, and began circulating Xeroxed copies of the manuscript among them. The cat was out of the bag, so to speak. Later on, several hundred photo-reduced copies were printed, but these were snatched up almost as soon as they were printed. The appeal of the Course was far wider and greater than either Helen or Bill had believed possible.
Clearly, the Course needed to be published in book form. Several publishers actually expressed interest during this time, but no one was willing to publish the Course without changes; they wanted to edit it and abbreviate it. After seeking guidance about the situation, Helen, Bill, Ken, and Judy concluded that 1) the Course was to be published unabridged, 2) by people who were devoted to this alone, 3) by a nonprofit organization, and 4) with all four of them involved. They realized that the guidance pointed to them publishing the Course, so they committed to doing just that. Judy changed the name of her organization, the Foundation for Parasensory Investigation, to the Foundation for Inner Peace. The money for publication was provided miraculously, through an unsolicited gift, and five thousand sets (Text, Workbook, and Manual for Teachers) were printed. In June 1976, the Course was finally published by the Foundation for Inner Peace.
Helen Shucman died in 1981 at age 71. Bill Thetford followed her in 1988. Once the Course was in Judy's hands for publication, both Helen and Bill felt their part was done. Messages from Jesus received by Helen seemed to indicate that both had an important future function beyond the scribing of the Course. But neither really stepped into that function, and both remained relatively uninvolved with the dissemination of the Course. Bill attended study groups in California and gave talks telling his story, but refused to take on any teaching role. Helen actually began to depreciate the importance of what she had done. As Ken Wapnick observes in Absence from Felicity:
Helen and Bill's joining together was essential for this future function, as it was for the scribing of A Course in Miracles, yet these two remarkably faithful and dedicated people chose otherwise. They thus remained estranged from each other until the end, and so what might have been, remained only within the realm of possibility and not actuality. (Absence from Felicity, p. 381)
Even so, what they did manage to do together was remarkable. From the simple decision of two people to join in finding a better way to relate to their fellow human beings, A Course in Miracles was born. Through their work, millions of lives have been touched. All of us who have found that better way through walking the path of the Course can only thank Helen and Bill for their priceless gift to the world.
"Cure" is a word that cannot be applied to any remedy the world accepts as beneficial.
"Cure" is a word that cannot be applied to any remedy the world accepts as beneficial. What the world perceives as therapeutic is but what will make the body "better." When it tries to heal the mind, it sees no separation from the body, where it thinks the mind exists. Its forms of healing thus must substitute illusion for illusion. One belief in sickness takes another form, and so the patient now perceives himself as well.
He is not healed. He merely had a dream that he was sick, and in the dream he found a magic formula to make him well. Yet he has not awakened from the dream, and so his mind remains exactly as it was before. He has not seen the light that would awaken him and end the dream. What difference does the content of a dream make in reality? One either sleeps or wakens. There is nothing in between.
Let us not try today to seek to cure what cannot suffer sickness. Healing must be sought but where it is, and then applied to what is sick, so that it can be cured. There is no remedy the world provides that can effect a change in anything. The mind that brings illusions to the truth is really changed. There is no change but this. For how can one illusion differ from another but in attributes that have no substance, no reality, no core, and nothing that is truly different?
Today we seek to change our minds about the source of sickness, for we seek a cure for all illusions, not another shift among them. We will try today to find the source of healing, which is in our minds because our Father placed it there for us. It is not farther from us than ourselves. It is as near to us as our own thoughts; so close it is impossible to lose. We need but seek it and it must be found.
So do we lay aside our amulets, our charms and medicines, our chants and bits of magic in whatever form they take. We will be still and listen for the Voice of healing, which will cure all ills as one, restoring saneness to the Son of God. No voice but this can cure. Today we hear a single Voice which speaks to us of truth, where all illusions end, and peace returns to the eternal, quiet home of God.
With nothing in our hands to which we cling, with lifted hearts and listening minds we pray:
He is not healed. He merely had a dream that he was sick, and in the dream he found a magic formula to make him well. Yet he has not awakened from the dream, and so his mind remains exactly as it was before. He has not seen the light that would awaken him and end the dream. What difference does the content of a dream make in reality? One either sleeps or wakens. There is nothing in between.
Let us not try today to seek to cure what cannot suffer sickness. Healing must be sought but where it is, and then applied to what is sick, so that it can be cured. There is no remedy the world provides that can effect a change in anything. The mind that brings illusions to the truth is really changed. There is no change but this. For how can one illusion differ from another but in attributes that have no substance, no reality, no core, and nothing that is truly different?
Today we seek to change our minds about the source of sickness, for we seek a cure for all illusions, not another shift among them. We will try today to find the source of healing, which is in our minds because our Father placed it there for us. It is not farther from us than ourselves. It is as near to us as our own thoughts; so close it is impossible to lose. We need but seek it and it must be found.
So do we lay aside our amulets, our charms and medicines, our chants and bits of magic in whatever form they take. We will be still and listen for the Voice of healing, which will cure all ills as one, restoring saneness to the Son of God. No voice but this can cure. Today we hear a single Voice which speaks to us of truth, where all illusions end, and peace returns to the eternal, quiet home of God.
With nothing in our hands to which we cling, with lifted hearts and listening minds we pray:
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Ways to Know You Are Living Love
How do you know if you are living the fullness of love in your life? Here is a short list of indicators that point to whether or not you are living from your heart from moment to moment.
I experience periods of courageousness, acceptance and/or peace on a daily basis.
I automatically look for the best solution that is mutual to all parties in any circumstance.
I spontaneously look for ways to give love to others and to myself whenever I can.
I often feel happy for no particular reason.
I find myself in a state of acceptance of others´ behavior much of the time.
I want for my (partner, spouse, child, etc.) that which they want for themselves.
I truly treat others as I desire to be treated.
I find it easy to identify with other people´s points of view and circumstances.
I practice changing my non-love feelings to love whenever they arise in awareness.
I have witnessed the love that I am dissolving problems all around me.
I experience periods of courageousness, acceptance and/or peace on a daily basis.
I automatically look for the best solution that is mutual to all parties in any circumstance.
I spontaneously look for ways to give love to others and to myself whenever I can.
I often feel happy for no particular reason.
I find myself in a state of acceptance of others´ behavior much of the time.
I want for my (partner, spouse, child, etc.) that which they want for themselves.
I truly treat others as I desire to be treated.
I find it easy to identify with other people´s points of view and circumstances.
I practice changing my non-love feelings to love whenever they arise in awareness.
I have witnessed the love that I am dissolving problems all around me.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
“It is while trying to get everything straight in my head that I get confused.”
“It is while trying to get everything straight in my head that I get confused.”
Mary Virginia Micka
Mary Virginia Micka
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Doctor Emile Coueé made a giant step in helping people improve their lives when he discovered a method which transformed and accelerated the process of change.
His method was so simple that it nobody wanted to believe in it, as is normal for all things new or revolutionary. However, over time his clinic gained such an incredible reputation that it could not be ignored anymore. He was achieving recovery rates 5 times faster than any other similar clinic.
All Doctor Coueé did was ask his patients to say:
As he asked them to repeat it over and over again, this affirmation entered into their subconscious mind and was eventually accepted as true. As soon as that happened it actually became true.Our subconscious doesn't know right or wrong, real or unreal. And what you think about most is what it believes to be true. As the patience repeated "Every day, in every way, I'm feeling better and better", this statement became a true fact in their life.When you use affirmations with visualizations thie method becomes really powerful and almost instantaneousAlways make sure that affirmations have to be positive, present tense and personal. An affirmation such as "I like myself" is positive, present tense and personal. It is also simple. The simpler, the better.
All Doctor Coueé did was ask his patients to say:
"Every day, in every way, I'm feeling better and better".
As he asked them to repeat it over and over again, this affirmation entered into their subconscious mind and was eventually accepted as true. As soon as that happened it actually became true.Our subconscious doesn't know right or wrong, real or unreal. And what you think about most is what it believes to be true. As the patience repeated "Every day, in every way, I'm feeling better and better", this statement became a true fact in their life.When you use affirmations with visualizations thie method becomes really powerful and almost instantaneousAlways make sure that affirmations have to be positive, present tense and personal. An affirmation such as "I like myself" is positive, present tense and personal. It is also simple. The simpler, the better.
Simple affirmations versus visualizations.
Doctor Emile Coueé made a giant step in helping people improve their lives when he discovered a method which transformed and accelerated the process of change.
His method was so simple that it nobody wanted to believe in it, as is normal for all things new or revolutionary. However, over time his clinic gained such an incredible reputation that it could not be ignored anymore. He was achieving recovery rates 5 times faster than any other similar clinic.
All Doctor Coueé did was ask his patients to say: "Every day, in every way, I'm feeling better and better".
As he asked them to repeat it over and over again, this affirmation entered into their subconscious mind and was eventually accepted as true. As soon as that happened it actually became true.
Our subconscious doesn't know right or wrong, real or unreal. And what you think about most is what it believes to be true. As the patience repeated "Every day, in every way, I'm feeling better and better", this statement became a true fact in their life.
When you use affirmations with visualizations thie method becomes really powerful and almost instantaneous
Always make sure that affirmations have to be positive, present tense and personal. An affirmation such as "I like myself" is positive, present tense and personal. It is also simple. The simpler, the better.
His method was so simple that it nobody wanted to believe in it, as is normal for all things new or revolutionary. However, over time his clinic gained such an incredible reputation that it could not be ignored anymore. He was achieving recovery rates 5 times faster than any other similar clinic.
All Doctor Coueé did was ask his patients to say: "Every day, in every way, I'm feeling better and better".
As he asked them to repeat it over and over again, this affirmation entered into their subconscious mind and was eventually accepted as true. As soon as that happened it actually became true.
Our subconscious doesn't know right or wrong, real or unreal. And what you think about most is what it believes to be true. As the patience repeated "Every day, in every way, I'm feeling better and better", this statement became a true fact in their life.
When you use affirmations with visualizations thie method becomes really powerful and almost instantaneous
Always make sure that affirmations have to be positive, present tense and personal. An affirmation such as "I like myself" is positive, present tense and personal. It is also simple. The simpler, the better.
Saturday, 10 October 2009
The ‘me’ we think we are, is not who we are. It’s a mistaken identity that we’ll call the ego.
This world is really focused on getting and having. Think about it. As you read this article you most likely feel that you still have some unmet needs. They may be in finances, love, family, career or spiritual development. We all want to get and have, and what we’re accustomed to doing is using our own will to decide exactly what we need and how to get it. But we can’t possibly experience consistent abundance until we’re prepared to take a good look at the cause of all scarcity and pain. It’s not until we discover and undo the original cause that we can truly give or receive.
The ‘me’ we think we are, is not who we are. It’s a mistaken identity that we’ll call the ego. The shocking news is that this identity has no capacity to either give or to receive. Yet we spend our entire lives searching for love and happiness or resisting what we judge as painful. Our existence is spent in pursuit of love, wealth, health, security, status and even spiritual awakening. The ego doesn’t have a clue what’s in our own best interests or anyone else’s. It has no idea of what we need including what will give us true fulfillment but we continue to choose to listen to its voice. So the ego, or the ‘I’, is a ‘will’ that is apart from God. Fear and not love constitutes the basis for all its desires and actions although this is mostly hidden from our awareness until we decide to question it. And the reason that we experience adversity and scarcity is because the ego has a mantra which is ‘seek and do not find’. Sure, you may find the love of your life or the financial security you wanted but eventually the ego must sabotage it and usually does so unconsciously, making it appear as if you’re the victim.
The unconscious ego is at work in nearly every decision we make. So, if we’re trying to give or receive through this uninvestigated self then all we’re really doing is acting from an unconscious denial in the form of a conscious request. And then we wonder why we experience inconsistent peace and suffering. Who we are beneath this self we think of as me, is infinitely greater than our wildest imaginings. We cannot consistently experience
Who we really are and therefore the Real world, until we undo the one block to It’s presence. And that’s the ego. Divine providence is Who you are! And the idea of there being any lack or suffering in your life is directly caused by your unconscious beliefs and values. The ego with all its personal and collective beliefs is an illusion seeming real and it’s not until you question this illusion that you’ll be able to experience the Divine Providence that you are.
Most of what we create and value here at the level of form (ego) is unconsciously born from fear. Even our love for partners, children and parents is motivated by a need for approval, validation, acceptance, comfort, etc. It’s all based on lack or scarcity. We really don’t know what real love is. We think we know based on the personal and collective ego’s fear-based perception. We know nothing in truth. And we won’t know anything until we’re prepared to let Spirit in to undo all our mistaken beliefs. It can be quite a ride but in the end it’s the only ride in this universe worth taking.
Our Original State
Our original state before the separation was one of Divine providence. Created from and within infinite loving Oneness, we had no needs, no scarcity and no suffering. In fact we still remain in a state of Divine providence; it’s just that we’re dreaming that we made a will that is apart from God complete with time, space and separate bodies; a dream of birth and death, of pain and conflict and constant change. But God is infinite and unchanging love with no opposite. Fear being the opposite of love cannot exist except in a dream, the one we’re having now.
And it’s not about making this dream work or trying to fix the dream. This is a trap that we often fall into especially along the spiritual path. With all good intent we try to spiritualize this dream by introducing spiritual concepts to make it seem like a happier and more loving dream. While that’s ok it still doesn’t address the core question that we all face; just ‘who’ is directing all this? The answer is the spiritual ego of course. We cannot truly love, or receive through the ego. Remember, any form or feeling of scarcity, whether it be in love, purpose or finances, comes from the ego and not Spirit. The time has come for us to wake-up from the dream.
The Spiritual journey is not about acquiring more knowledge, abilities or skills. It’s about unlearning all we think we are and know. The perception we have of ourselves, others and the world we live in comes from one source and this one only; the ego. Now the ego, being a will apart from God, projects this entire reality, right down to the separate bodies we appear to inhabit. It makes sure our attention is always turned outward to get all its needs met. It will never let us know that it caused this dream by projecting it outward making it appear that we’re the victims of the world we see. It wants us to believe that we’re all separate and that the world is being done to us and not by us. For example if someone offends you the ego will take offense convinced that another caused you suffering. It won’t let you see that whoever upset you is simply mirroring your own denied unconscious guilt and is a projection coming from your own mind. We’re all one. There’s only ever one of us in this dream so the quicker we forgive error in another, the faster we undo the mass of unconscious guilt we harbor within. Whatever you give to a seeming other you give to yourself. There’s only one Holy Self of which we are all part and there’s only one ego appearing as many.
Awakening to Divine Providence
Awakening is undoing the block to the awareness of Loves’ presence. And in relinquishing our mistaken identity we come to develop increasing trust in Divine Will. In fact we’re beginning to remember that we are Divine Will and that the egos’ will only delivers pain. We forgive, we question every belief and value and we find that what we valued previously all arose from fear and not love at all. We willingly relinquish anything that’s valueless and we learn through experiencing this that nothing at all was sacrificed. Indeed we lost nothing yet gained an increasing experience of peace and security. Love begins to be known. And we learn that the ego’s insatiable need to have, to become and to avoid was all a giant cover-up to obscure the love that we are and always have been. We discover that real love can only be known and received through extending (giving) it. What we give, we receive. We learn to extend/give despite feeling unloving, tired, frustrated, angry, lost or depressed. True extension involves forgiveness, allowing, surrender, authenticity and unconditional acceptance. We see seeming adversity in a new light, one that’s free of the ego’s fear, denial and avoidance. Seeing now that all change is helpful, we embrace the principle that Divine providence acts out in all ways even in those people or situations that press our buttons. We see that love is indiscriminant and ever increasing as we embrace the value of forgiveness.
And what a contrast to the ego’s idea of love! It has it all upside down. The ego believes that we need to ‘get’ love, happiness, wealth or security. No amount of ‘getting’ or ‘seeking’ will ever increase our sense of worthiness or security. It’s only in giving what we most believe we need that we learn we always had it. Love can never be lost and it can never diminish. This is what we live to experience.
And for those of us who feel fear at the thought of losing their ego? You’ll be relieved to hear that not all the ego need be annihilated. A thread remains, however this thread is gladly abdicated to the Universal Inspirations Will. We recognize that we no longer wish to cling to a will that operates apart from God and we happily relinquish control and suffering. A Course in Miracles calls this time of awakened consciousness, The Happy Dream. And it doesn’t end here; it’s only just beginning!
The ‘me’ we think we are, is not who we are. It’s a mistaken identity that we’ll call the ego. The shocking news is that this identity has no capacity to either give or to receive. Yet we spend our entire lives searching for love and happiness or resisting what we judge as painful. Our existence is spent in pursuit of love, wealth, health, security, status and even spiritual awakening. The ego doesn’t have a clue what’s in our own best interests or anyone else’s. It has no idea of what we need including what will give us true fulfillment but we continue to choose to listen to its voice. So the ego, or the ‘I’, is a ‘will’ that is apart from God. Fear and not love constitutes the basis for all its desires and actions although this is mostly hidden from our awareness until we decide to question it. And the reason that we experience adversity and scarcity is because the ego has a mantra which is ‘seek and do not find’. Sure, you may find the love of your life or the financial security you wanted but eventually the ego must sabotage it and usually does so unconsciously, making it appear as if you’re the victim.
The unconscious ego is at work in nearly every decision we make. So, if we’re trying to give or receive through this uninvestigated self then all we’re really doing is acting from an unconscious denial in the form of a conscious request. And then we wonder why we experience inconsistent peace and suffering. Who we are beneath this self we think of as me, is infinitely greater than our wildest imaginings. We cannot consistently experience
Who we really are and therefore the Real world, until we undo the one block to It’s presence. And that’s the ego. Divine providence is Who you are! And the idea of there being any lack or suffering in your life is directly caused by your unconscious beliefs and values. The ego with all its personal and collective beliefs is an illusion seeming real and it’s not until you question this illusion that you’ll be able to experience the Divine Providence that you are.
Most of what we create and value here at the level of form (ego) is unconsciously born from fear. Even our love for partners, children and parents is motivated by a need for approval, validation, acceptance, comfort, etc. It’s all based on lack or scarcity. We really don’t know what real love is. We think we know based on the personal and collective ego’s fear-based perception. We know nothing in truth. And we won’t know anything until we’re prepared to let Spirit in to undo all our mistaken beliefs. It can be quite a ride but in the end it’s the only ride in this universe worth taking.
Our Original State
Our original state before the separation was one of Divine providence. Created from and within infinite loving Oneness, we had no needs, no scarcity and no suffering. In fact we still remain in a state of Divine providence; it’s just that we’re dreaming that we made a will that is apart from God complete with time, space and separate bodies; a dream of birth and death, of pain and conflict and constant change. But God is infinite and unchanging love with no opposite. Fear being the opposite of love cannot exist except in a dream, the one we’re having now.
And it’s not about making this dream work or trying to fix the dream. This is a trap that we often fall into especially along the spiritual path. With all good intent we try to spiritualize this dream by introducing spiritual concepts to make it seem like a happier and more loving dream. While that’s ok it still doesn’t address the core question that we all face; just ‘who’ is directing all this? The answer is the spiritual ego of course. We cannot truly love, or receive through the ego. Remember, any form or feeling of scarcity, whether it be in love, purpose or finances, comes from the ego and not Spirit. The time has come for us to wake-up from the dream.
The Spiritual journey is not about acquiring more knowledge, abilities or skills. It’s about unlearning all we think we are and know. The perception we have of ourselves, others and the world we live in comes from one source and this one only; the ego. Now the ego, being a will apart from God, projects this entire reality, right down to the separate bodies we appear to inhabit. It makes sure our attention is always turned outward to get all its needs met. It will never let us know that it caused this dream by projecting it outward making it appear that we’re the victims of the world we see. It wants us to believe that we’re all separate and that the world is being done to us and not by us. For example if someone offends you the ego will take offense convinced that another caused you suffering. It won’t let you see that whoever upset you is simply mirroring your own denied unconscious guilt and is a projection coming from your own mind. We’re all one. There’s only ever one of us in this dream so the quicker we forgive error in another, the faster we undo the mass of unconscious guilt we harbor within. Whatever you give to a seeming other you give to yourself. There’s only one Holy Self of which we are all part and there’s only one ego appearing as many.
Awakening to Divine Providence
Awakening is undoing the block to the awareness of Loves’ presence. And in relinquishing our mistaken identity we come to develop increasing trust in Divine Will. In fact we’re beginning to remember that we are Divine Will and that the egos’ will only delivers pain. We forgive, we question every belief and value and we find that what we valued previously all arose from fear and not love at all. We willingly relinquish anything that’s valueless and we learn through experiencing this that nothing at all was sacrificed. Indeed we lost nothing yet gained an increasing experience of peace and security. Love begins to be known. And we learn that the ego’s insatiable need to have, to become and to avoid was all a giant cover-up to obscure the love that we are and always have been. We discover that real love can only be known and received through extending (giving) it. What we give, we receive. We learn to extend/give despite feeling unloving, tired, frustrated, angry, lost or depressed. True extension involves forgiveness, allowing, surrender, authenticity and unconditional acceptance. We see seeming adversity in a new light, one that’s free of the ego’s fear, denial and avoidance. Seeing now that all change is helpful, we embrace the principle that Divine providence acts out in all ways even in those people or situations that press our buttons. We see that love is indiscriminant and ever increasing as we embrace the value of forgiveness.
And what a contrast to the ego’s idea of love! It has it all upside down. The ego believes that we need to ‘get’ love, happiness, wealth or security. No amount of ‘getting’ or ‘seeking’ will ever increase our sense of worthiness or security. It’s only in giving what we most believe we need that we learn we always had it. Love can never be lost and it can never diminish. This is what we live to experience.
And for those of us who feel fear at the thought of losing their ego? You’ll be relieved to hear that not all the ego need be annihilated. A thread remains, however this thread is gladly abdicated to the Universal Inspirations Will. We recognize that we no longer wish to cling to a will that operates apart from God and we happily relinquish control and suffering. A Course in Miracles calls this time of awakened consciousness, The Happy Dream. And it doesn’t end here; it’s only just beginning!
Thursday, 8 October 2009
The Drunkard Disciple
A Zen master had hundreds of disciples. They all prayed at the right time, except one, who was always drunk.
The master was growing old. Some of the more virtuous pupils began to wonder who would be the new leader of the group, the one who would receive the important secrets of the Tradition.
On the eve of his death, however, the master called the drunkard disciple and revealed the hidden secrets to him.
A veritable revolt broke out among the others.
“How shameful!” they cried in the streets, “We have sacrificed ourselves for the wrong master, one who can’t see our qualities.”
Hearing the commotion outside, the dying master remarked, “I had to pass on these secrets to a man that I knew well. All my pupils are very virtuous, and showed only their qualities. That is dangerous, for virtue often serves to hide vanity, pride and intolerance. That is why I chose the only disciple whom I know really well, since I can see his defect: drunkenness.”
The master was growing old. Some of the more virtuous pupils began to wonder who would be the new leader of the group, the one who would receive the important secrets of the Tradition.
On the eve of his death, however, the master called the drunkard disciple and revealed the hidden secrets to him.
A veritable revolt broke out among the others.
“How shameful!” they cried in the streets, “We have sacrificed ourselves for the wrong master, one who can’t see our qualities.”
Hearing the commotion outside, the dying master remarked, “I had to pass on these secrets to a man that I knew well. All my pupils are very virtuous, and showed only their qualities. That is dangerous, for virtue often serves to hide vanity, pride and intolerance. That is why I chose the only disciple whom I know really well, since I can see his defect: drunkenness.”
“Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion”
“Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion”
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Chapter One: Giving from the Heart, the Heart of Nonviolent Communication
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”
—Marshall B. Rosenberg
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Introduction
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions. What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house.
When the race riot ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, “Are you a kike?” I had never heard the word before and didn’t know it was used by some people in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the two were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground, kicked and beat me.
Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time,
“I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, ‘Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?’ Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to start treating him there and then, for I know that pitiful young men like that are dangerous as soon as they are let loose on mankind.”
—Etty Hillesum: A Memoir
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While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words. I have since identified a specific approach to communicating—speaking and listening—that leads us to give from the heart, connecting us with ourselves and with each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. I call this approach Nonviolent Communication, using the term “nonviolence” as Gandhi used it—to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart. While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent,” our words often lead to hurt and
NVC: a way of commu- nicating that leads us to give from the heart.
pain, whether for ourselves or others. In some communities, the process I am describing is known as Compassionate Communication; the abbreviation “NVC” is used throughout this book to refer to Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication.
a way to focus attention
NVC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions. It contains nothing new; all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in a given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
We perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.
As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.
Although I refer to it as “a process of communication” or a “language of compassion,” NVC is more than a process or a language. On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.
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There is a story of a man under a street lamp searching for something on all fours. A policeman passing by asked what he was doing. “Looking for my car keys,” replied the man, who appeared slightly drunk. “Did you drop them here?” inquired the officer. “No,” answered the man, “I dropped them in the alley.” Seeing the policeman’s baffled expression, the man hastened to explain, “But the light is much better here.”
Let's shine the light of consciousness on places where we can hope to find what we are seeking.
I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. I developed NVC as a way to train my attention—to shine the light of consciousness—on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
This quality of compassion, which I refer to as “giving from the heart,” is expressed in the following lyrics by my friend, Ruth Bebermeyer:
I never feel more given to
than when you take from me —
when you understand the joy I feel
giving to you.
And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love
I feel for you.
To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There’s no way I can separate
the two.
When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.
Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album, “Given To.”
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When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, motivated solely to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. I’m not saying that this always happens quickly. I do maintain, however, that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of NVC.
the nvc process
To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas—referred to as the four components of the NVC model.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Four components of NVC:
1. observation
2. feeling
3. needs
4. request
Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are.
For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms which we share in common.”
She would follow immediately with the fourth component—a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.
Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other aspect of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing, and then discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece, their request. As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned, and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication, back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally: what I am observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are requesting to enrich your life....
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NVC Process
The concrete actions we are
observing that are affecting our well-being
How we are feeling in relation
to what we are observing
The needs, values, desires, etc.
that are creating our feelings
The concrete actions we request
in order to enrich our lives
Two parts of NVC:
1. expressing honesty through the four components
2. receiving empathically through the four components
When we use this model, we may begin either by expressing ourselves or by empathically receiving these four pieces of information from others. Although we will learn to listen for and verbally express each of these components in Chapters 3–6, it is important to keep in mind that NVC does not consist of a set formula, but adapts to various situations as well as personal and cultural styles. While I conveniently refer to NVC as a “process” or “language,” it is possible to express all four pieces of the model without uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is to be found in our consciousness of these four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.
applying nvc in our lives and world
When we use NVC in our interactions, with ourselves, with another person, or in a group, we become grounded in our natural state of compassion. It is therefore an approach that can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations:
intimate relationships
families
schools
organizations and institutions
therapy and counseling
diplomatic and business negotiations
disputes and conflicts of any nature.
Some people use NVC to create greater depth and caring in their intimate relationships:
“When I learned how I can receive (hear), as well as give (express), through using NVC, I went beyond feeling attacked and ‘door mattish’ to really listening to words and extracting their underlying feelings. I discovered a very hurting man to whom I had been married for 28 years. He had asked me for a divorce the weekend before the [NVC] workshop. To make a long story short, we are here today, together, and I appreciate the contribution [it has] made to our happy ending. . . . I learned to listen for feelings, to express my needs, to accept answers that I didn’t always want to hear. He is not here to make me happy, nor am I here to create happiness for him. We have both learned to grow, to accept, and to love, so that we can each be fulfilled.”
—workshop participant in San Diego
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Others use it to build more effective relationships at work. A teacher writes:
“I have been using NVC in my special education classroom for about one year. It can work even with children who have language delays, learning difficulties, and behavior problems. One student in our classroom spits, swears, screams, and stabs other students with pencils when they get near his desk. I cue him with, ‘Please say that another way. Use your giraffe talk.’ [Giraffe puppets are used in some workshops as a teaching aid to demonstrate NVC.] He immediately stands up straight, looks at the person towards whom his anger is directed, and says calmly, ‘Would you please move away from my desk? I feel angry when you stand so close to me.’ The other students might respond with something like ‘Sorry! I forgot it bothers you.’
I began to think about my frustration with this child and to try to discover what I was needing from him (besides harmony and order). I realized how much time I had put into lesson planning and how my need for creativity and contribution were being short-circuited in order to manage behavior. Also, I felt I was not meeting the educational needs of the other students. When he was acting out in class, I began to say, ‘I need you to share my attention.’ It might take a hundred cues a day, but he got the message and would usually get involved in the lesson.”
—teacher, Evanston, Illinois
A doctor writes:
“I use NVC more and more in my medical practice. Some patients ask me whether I am a psychologist, saying that usually their doctors are not interested in the way they live their lives or deal with their diseases. NVC helps me understand what the patients’ needs are and what they are needing to hear at a given moment. I find this particularly helpful in relating to patients with hemophilia and AIDS because there is so much anger and pain that the patient/healthcare-provider relationship is often seriously impaired. Recently a woman with AIDS, whom I have been treating for the past five years, told me that what has helped her the most have been my attempts to find ways for her to enjoy her daily life. My use of NVC helps me a lot in this respect. Often in the past, when I knew that a patient had a fatal disease, I myself would get caught in the prognosis, and it was hard for me to sincerely encourage them to live their lives. With NVC, I have developed a new consciousness as well as a new language. I am amazed to see how much it fits in with my medical practice. I feel more energy and joy in my work as I become increasingly engaged in the dance of NVC.”
—physician in Paris
Still others use this process in the political arena. A French cabinet member visiting her sister remarked how differently the sister and her husband were communicating and responding to each other. Encouraged by their descriptions of NVC, she mentioned that she was scheduled the following week to negotiate some sensitive issues between France and Algeria regarding adoption procedures. Though time was limited, we dispatched a French-speaking trainer to Paris to work with the cabinet minister. She later attributed much of the success of her negotiations in Algeria to her newly acquired communication techniques.
In Jerusalem, during a workshop attended by Israelis of varying political persuasions, participants used NVC to express themselves regarding the highly contested issue of the West Bank. Many of the Israeli settlers who have established themselves on the West Bank believe that they are fulfilling a religious mandate by doing so, and they are locked in conflict not only with Palestinians but with other Israelis who recognize the Palestinian hope for national sovereignty in this region. During a session, one of my trainers and I modeled empathic hearing through NVC, and then invited participants to take turns role-playing each others’ position. After twenty minutes, a settler announced her willingness to consider relinquishing her land claims and moving out of the West Bank into internationally recognized Israeli territory if her political opponents were able to listen to her in the way she had just been listened to.
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Worldwide, NVC now serves as a valuable resource for communities facing violent conflicts and severe ethnic, religious, or political tensions. The spread of NVC training and its use in mediation by people in conflict in Israel, the Palestinian Authority, Nigeria, Rwanda, Sierra Leone, and elsewhere have been a source of particular gratification for me. My associates and I were recently in Belgrade over three highly charged days training citizens working for peace. When we first arrived, expressions of despair were visibly etched on the trainees’ faces, for their country was enmeshed in a brutal war in Bosnia and Croatia. As the training progressed, we heard the ring of laughter in their voices as they shared their profound gratitude and joy for having found the empowerment they were seeking. Over the next two weeks, during trainings in Croatia, Israel, and Palestine, we again saw desperate citizens in war-torn countries regaining their spirits and confidence from the NVC training they received.
I feel blessed to be able to travel throughout the world teaching people a process of communication that gives them power and joy. Now, with this book, I am pleased and excited to be able to share the richness of Nonviolent Communication with you.
summary
NVC helps us connect with ourselves and each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing and what we are requesting to enrich our lives. NVC fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels.
nvc in action
Interspersed throughout the book are dialogues entitled “NVC in Action.” These dialogues intend to impart the flavor of an actual exchange where a speaker is applying the principles of Nonviolent Communication. However, NVC is not simply a language or a set of techniques for using words; the consciousness and intent which it embraces may be expressed through silence, a quality of presence, as well as through facial expressions and body language. The NVC in Action dialogues you will be reading are necessarily distilled and abridged versions of real-life exchanges, where moments of silent empathy, stories, humor, gestures, etc. would all contribute to a more natural flow of connection between the two parties than might be apparent when dialogues are condensed in print.
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I was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque at Deheisha Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to about 170 Palestinian Moslem men. Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I was speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering through the audience. “They’re whispering that you are American!” my translator alerted me, just as a gentleman in the audience leapt to his feet. Facing me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs, “Murderer!” Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in chorus:“Assassin!” “Child-killer!” “Murderer!”
Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling and needing. In this case, I had some cues. On the way into the refugee camp, I had seen several empty tear gas canisters that had been shot into the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each canister were the words “Made in U.S.A.” I knew that the refugees harbored a lot of anger toward the U.S. for supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel.
I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:
I: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? (I didn’t know whether my guess was correct, but what is critical is my sincere effort to connect with his feeling and need.)
He: Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!
I: So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?
He: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my family—children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us?
I: Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions.
He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books?
I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment . . .
He: That’s right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don’t more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you’re bringing here!
I: You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions?
Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty more minutes, and I listening for the feeling and need behind each statement. I didn’t agree or disagree. I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me.
Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, the same man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for a Ramadan dinner.
—Marshall B. Rosenberg
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Chapter One: Giving from the Heart, the Heart of Nonviolent Communication
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”
—Marshall B. Rosenberg
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Introduction
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions. What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house.
When the race riot ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, “Are you a kike?” I had never heard the word before and didn’t know it was used by some people in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the two were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground, kicked and beat me.
Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time,
“I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, ‘Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?’ Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to start treating him there and then, for I know that pitiful young men like that are dangerous as soon as they are let loose on mankind.”
—Etty Hillesum: A Memoir
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While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words. I have since identified a specific approach to communicating—speaking and listening—that leads us to give from the heart, connecting us with ourselves and with each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. I call this approach Nonviolent Communication, using the term “nonviolence” as Gandhi used it—to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart. While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent,” our words often lead to hurt and
NVC: a way of commu- nicating that leads us to give from the heart.
pain, whether for ourselves or others. In some communities, the process I am describing is known as Compassionate Communication; the abbreviation “NVC” is used throughout this book to refer to Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication.
a way to focus attention
NVC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions. It contains nothing new; all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in a given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
We perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.
As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.
Although I refer to it as “a process of communication” or a “language of compassion,” NVC is more than a process or a language. On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.
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There is a story of a man under a street lamp searching for something on all fours. A policeman passing by asked what he was doing. “Looking for my car keys,” replied the man, who appeared slightly drunk. “Did you drop them here?” inquired the officer. “No,” answered the man, “I dropped them in the alley.” Seeing the policeman’s baffled expression, the man hastened to explain, “But the light is much better here.”
Let's shine the light of consciousness on places where we can hope to find what we are seeking.
I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. I developed NVC as a way to train my attention—to shine the light of consciousness—on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
This quality of compassion, which I refer to as “giving from the heart,” is expressed in the following lyrics by my friend, Ruth Bebermeyer:
I never feel more given to
than when you take from me —
when you understand the joy I feel
giving to you.
And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love
I feel for you.
To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There’s no way I can separate
the two.
When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.
Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album, “Given To.”
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When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, motivated solely to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. I’m not saying that this always happens quickly. I do maintain, however, that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of NVC.
the nvc process
To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas—referred to as the four components of the NVC model.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Four components of NVC:
1. observation
2. feeling
3. needs
4. request
Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are.
For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms which we share in common.”
She would follow immediately with the fourth component—a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.
Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other aspect of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing, and then discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece, their request. As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned, and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication, back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally: what I am observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are requesting to enrich your life....
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NVC Process
The concrete actions we are
observing that are affecting our well-being
How we are feeling in relation
to what we are observing
The needs, values, desires, etc.
that are creating our feelings
The concrete actions we request
in order to enrich our lives
Two parts of NVC:
1. expressing honesty through the four components
2. receiving empathically through the four components
When we use this model, we may begin either by expressing ourselves or by empathically receiving these four pieces of information from others. Although we will learn to listen for and verbally express each of these components in Chapters 3–6, it is important to keep in mind that NVC does not consist of a set formula, but adapts to various situations as well as personal and cultural styles. While I conveniently refer to NVC as a “process” or “language,” it is possible to express all four pieces of the model without uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is to be found in our consciousness of these four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.
applying nvc in our lives and world
When we use NVC in our interactions, with ourselves, with another person, or in a group, we become grounded in our natural state of compassion. It is therefore an approach that can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations:
intimate relationships
families
schools
organizations and institutions
therapy and counseling
diplomatic and business negotiations
disputes and conflicts of any nature.
Some people use NVC to create greater depth and caring in their intimate relationships:
“When I learned how I can receive (hear), as well as give (express), through using NVC, I went beyond feeling attacked and ‘door mattish’ to really listening to words and extracting their underlying feelings. I discovered a very hurting man to whom I had been married for 28 years. He had asked me for a divorce the weekend before the [NVC] workshop. To make a long story short, we are here today, together, and I appreciate the contribution [it has] made to our happy ending. . . . I learned to listen for feelings, to express my needs, to accept answers that I didn’t always want to hear. He is not here to make me happy, nor am I here to create happiness for him. We have both learned to grow, to accept, and to love, so that we can each be fulfilled.”
—workshop participant in San Diego
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Others use it to build more effective relationships at work. A teacher writes:
“I have been using NVC in my special education classroom for about one year. It can work even with children who have language delays, learning difficulties, and behavior problems. One student in our classroom spits, swears, screams, and stabs other students with pencils when they get near his desk. I cue him with, ‘Please say that another way. Use your giraffe talk.’ [Giraffe puppets are used in some workshops as a teaching aid to demonstrate NVC.] He immediately stands up straight, looks at the person towards whom his anger is directed, and says calmly, ‘Would you please move away from my desk? I feel angry when you stand so close to me.’ The other students might respond with something like ‘Sorry! I forgot it bothers you.’
I began to think about my frustration with this child and to try to discover what I was needing from him (besides harmony and order). I realized how much time I had put into lesson planning and how my need for creativity and contribution were being short-circuited in order to manage behavior. Also, I felt I was not meeting the educational needs of the other students. When he was acting out in class, I began to say, ‘I need you to share my attention.’ It might take a hundred cues a day, but he got the message and would usually get involved in the lesson.”
—teacher, Evanston, Illinois
A doctor writes:
“I use NVC more and more in my medical practice. Some patients ask me whether I am a psychologist, saying that usually their doctors are not interested in the way they live their lives or deal with their diseases. NVC helps me understand what the patients’ needs are and what they are needing to hear at a given moment. I find this particularly helpful in relating to patients with hemophilia and AIDS because there is so much anger and pain that the patient/healthcare-provider relationship is often seriously impaired. Recently a woman with AIDS, whom I have been treating for the past five years, told me that what has helped her the most have been my attempts to find ways for her to enjoy her daily life. My use of NVC helps me a lot in this respect. Often in the past, when I knew that a patient had a fatal disease, I myself would get caught in the prognosis, and it was hard for me to sincerely encourage them to live their lives. With NVC, I have developed a new consciousness as well as a new language. I am amazed to see how much it fits in with my medical practice. I feel more energy and joy in my work as I become increasingly engaged in the dance of NVC.”
—physician in Paris
Still others use this process in the political arena. A French cabinet member visiting her sister remarked how differently the sister and her husband were communicating and responding to each other. Encouraged by their descriptions of NVC, she mentioned that she was scheduled the following week to negotiate some sensitive issues between France and Algeria regarding adoption procedures. Though time was limited, we dispatched a French-speaking trainer to Paris to work with the cabinet minister. She later attributed much of the success of her negotiations in Algeria to her newly acquired communication techniques.
In Jerusalem, during a workshop attended by Israelis of varying political persuasions, participants used NVC to express themselves regarding the highly contested issue of the West Bank. Many of the Israeli settlers who have established themselves on the West Bank believe that they are fulfilling a religious mandate by doing so, and they are locked in conflict not only with Palestinians but with other Israelis who recognize the Palestinian hope for national sovereignty in this region. During a session, one of my trainers and I modeled empathic hearing through NVC, and then invited participants to take turns role-playing each others’ position. After twenty minutes, a settler announced her willingness to consider relinquishing her land claims and moving out of the West Bank into internationally recognized Israeli territory if her political opponents were able to listen to her in the way she had just been listened to.
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Worldwide, NVC now serves as a valuable resource for communities facing violent conflicts and severe ethnic, religious, or political tensions. The spread of NVC training and its use in mediation by people in conflict in Israel, the Palestinian Authority, Nigeria, Rwanda, Sierra Leone, and elsewhere have been a source of particular gratification for me. My associates and I were recently in Belgrade over three highly charged days training citizens working for peace. When we first arrived, expressions of despair were visibly etched on the trainees’ faces, for their country was enmeshed in a brutal war in Bosnia and Croatia. As the training progressed, we heard the ring of laughter in their voices as they shared their profound gratitude and joy for having found the empowerment they were seeking. Over the next two weeks, during trainings in Croatia, Israel, and Palestine, we again saw desperate citizens in war-torn countries regaining their spirits and confidence from the NVC training they received.
I feel blessed to be able to travel throughout the world teaching people a process of communication that gives them power and joy. Now, with this book, I am pleased and excited to be able to share the richness of Nonviolent Communication with you.
summary
NVC helps us connect with ourselves and each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing and what we are requesting to enrich our lives. NVC fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels.
nvc in action
Interspersed throughout the book are dialogues entitled “NVC in Action.” These dialogues intend to impart the flavor of an actual exchange where a speaker is applying the principles of Nonviolent Communication. However, NVC is not simply a language or a set of techniques for using words; the consciousness and intent which it embraces may be expressed through silence, a quality of presence, as well as through facial expressions and body language. The NVC in Action dialogues you will be reading are necessarily distilled and abridged versions of real-life exchanges, where moments of silent empathy, stories, humor, gestures, etc. would all contribute to a more natural flow of connection between the two parties than might be apparent when dialogues are condensed in print.
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I was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque at Deheisha Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to about 170 Palestinian Moslem men. Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I was speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering through the audience. “They’re whispering that you are American!” my translator alerted me, just as a gentleman in the audience leapt to his feet. Facing me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs, “Murderer!” Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in chorus:“Assassin!” “Child-killer!” “Murderer!”
Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling and needing. In this case, I had some cues. On the way into the refugee camp, I had seen several empty tear gas canisters that had been shot into the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each canister were the words “Made in U.S.A.” I knew that the refugees harbored a lot of anger toward the U.S. for supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel.
I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:
I: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? (I didn’t know whether my guess was correct, but what is critical is my sincere effort to connect with his feeling and need.)
He: Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!
I: So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?
He: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my family—children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us?
I: Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions.
He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books?
I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment . . .
He: That’s right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don’t more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you’re bringing here!
I: You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions?
Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty more minutes, and I listening for the feeling and need behind each statement. I didn’t agree or disagree. I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me.
Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at the camp. An hour later, the same man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for a Ramadan dinner.
—Marshall B. Rosenberg
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